On this post where I talked about an awful situation I had with my brother, there was a comment siding with my brother suggesting fervent agreement with him and a strong sense on blame on me.
And while I absolutely do understand the point of the comment and was just going to "leave it to the side," especially since the post is a few days ago, I absolutely can't. I can be extremely obsessive when I feel as if I've done something wrong. I can feel even lower self-esteem than I already do in your every day life when I make a mistake, especially one this bad, and while I don't think it's ever appropriate for me to reach out to my brother again and apologize, I can at least learn to live with myself. Unfortunately, I couldn't see myself doing that without making this follow-up.
So, to clarify, the way I responded to him wasn't the best way, and I can acknowledge that. I also want to clarify that my intention of my response wasn't that I wanted to neglect his request. Regardless of how I interpreted the response at face value, I wouldn't have minded taking his request into consideration, but it's understandable how the way I responded would've suggested otherwise. I admit that I was immediately kind of thrown off when he brought it up because, like I said, it was a first time complaint, and my immediate thought simply was that there are numerous ways a person could navigate this situation on their own end.
However, that doesn't justify the way I handled this situation, and I didn't mean to go about it so poorly. I don't know if that's a neurodivergent thing, but something that's always triggered my feelings of inferiority is the fact that I sometimes do or say bad things with a whole lack of awareness because of neurodivergence. I've been getting better, but because of me processing this criticism, such a wave of insecurity is hitting me as harsh as it's done in the past.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can do anything to make up for the wrong words I told my older brother.
But if there is nothing, then there is nothing. Like I said, though, one thing I can do is try to live comfortably with this mistake because being totally silent about it wasn't helping me.
I'd be focusing on one task and then jump into an immediate depressive episode because this incident suddenly pops back up in my mind. I talked to my therapist about it, but I can't take his input at face value.
I always felt like I come off as an insufferable person to most people, and my guesses don't tend to be wrong.
I don't know what else to do or say. I don't know how to stop making mistakes like this.
I appreciate the consideration, but I'm going to refuse to interact with him and the rest of the fam ever again because
In another comment, I did add some additional context that may impact how you view this:
And though I was stressed about the person I love, I'm glad I remained reasonably calm when it came to things like double-texting. Emotionally, I assume the worst, especially since I have incredibly low self-esteem, but logically, I knew that sending super anxious double texts wouldn't make sense because there still would be a chance that my immediate assumption isn't even true. I freaked out, however, because I always assume the worst and only consider a better-case scenario to be a lesser possibility. This is especially true in situations that pertain to my relationship with others. Since I have incredibly low self-esteem, I'd be less likely to guess that a person thinks favorably of me than I would be to assume that they don't.
I'm beginning to love her more than I love myself.
That sounds unhealthy. Maybe it is. However, I already don't have a lot of self-love, and she's an amazing person, so it makes sense, as unhealthy as it may be.
Yeah, with that context of normalized emotional abuse and neglect your reactions make more sense. Do what you need to. I myself have gone no/low contact with family repeatedly over the years due to [things happening].
I still don't see you having done anything seriously bad.
With regards to loving this person:
Congratulations remaining reasonably calm. And I sympathize with not having much self love. All I'm saying is the tendency to assume the worst and then suffer immensely from that assumption is a liability. In general, unaddressed issues and liabilities make people's lives harder than they need to be, and it's sad. I'm extra aware of that sort of thing right now because my life fell apart in very large part due to my ex being unwilling (and questionably unable) to work on their liabilities, and I've in the past been through great hardship because I couldn't get the help I needed for my own liabilities from trauma.
In any case, you know yourself and your life far better than I. Good luck.