Asklemmy

Disclaimer: I'm midway through my coffee, so I apologise if this ends up meandering toward a point.

First off, I'm sorry you're going through depression, it's draining and it sure seems to have done a number on you.

Secondly, yeah, it's a pretty bad sign... But it's a bad sign which can serve as a wake-up call, depending on how you look at it and how you choose to react.

I can understand how frustrated and spent one can feel while going through it. It drains not only social batteries, but emotional ones as well, making it really easy to lash out at others out of pain. Your example seems to fit. But there are other ways to go about it. I know it's hard to make an extra push when all you seem to be doing is pushing that boulder uphill all day long, but you have to realise that, unless your friends are toxic and abusive (which they don't seem to be from what you've offered) thus basically one of the reasons which keep you stuck in depression, they're not to blame for it (and if they are, you should be reconsidering your friendship with them in the first place).

As such, it's unfair to react aggressively toward them for trying to socialise with you. They're just trying to do what friends do, to connect and be with you. In this case specifically, it sounds to me that you had an expectation about how your friends should approach these attempts at interacting with you, but you've not said anything about communicating it to your friends before reacting to a perceived disrespect of said expectation. What your friend did is a pretty natural and normal reaction when faced with random hostility from others. They are not obligated to just sit there and take it because you're friends, it's quite the opposite of what a friendship is supposed to be.

So, now it's up to you to choose how to deal with it. If you'd want to try to salvage the friendship and maintain it from now on, my advice for this would be really taking some time for yourself for a week or two, disconnect from socials and try to do some digging around how you're feeling and why, to put things in perspective for yourself. And keep it contained, give yourself a set deadline, because isolation and depression are best friends...

Before that, though, I'd recommend writing out a short and sincere apology letter to the one who blocked you. If you have no way of otherwise reaching out to her digitally, make it a physical letter and actually deliver it. Tell her how you've been feeling - be honest and open about it, really - and inform her of your planning to take some time for yourself and be specific about the amount. Even if you'll end up needing more time for yourself, it's better to communicate an extension than to leave it vague from the start.

The most important aspect of the above is not expecting a reconciliation. Apologise for the sake of it if you do feel inclined to apologise, but your friend is now fully within her right to decide for herself whether or not she wants to give you a second chance. And regardless of what happens with this friendship, try to keep in mind what I said about people not being to blame for how depression makes us feel, and I mean with everyone. Again, if they're toxic, the priority should be establishing boundaries and increasing the distance between you, but that's a different situation.

Also, always keep in mind that human beings absolutely suck at mind reading, so you'll need to communicate expectations from the start. You really don't need to feel bad about setting expectations, because relationships are a two-player game at a minimum and the other person can always choose their own reaction. But it's important that you contextualise yourself for them, tell them what works and what doesn't work for you, what you need and don't need, the works. And it's 100% ok if you need some space, or some time to yourself, or you're not in the mood to chat right then and there, or you have other things going, but it's essential that you communicate that. The only type of bad texter is the texter who doesn't communicate their pattern (or lack thereof). A short "can't talk now, will drop a line when able" is more than enough to call a break.

As a side note, the other end isn't much better in terms of maintaining relationships, and I'm referring to the vanishing act. That's the one I used to pull back in my early twenties when dragging myself through depression, I'd just vanish off social media and would not respond to anyone for months. They even used to joke that they were placing bets on whether or not I was still alive "this time," which is just as cruel a thing to do to people who are invested in your wellbeing...

You messed up. And it's ok that you did, seriously. It's how we calibrate ourselves to the world around us. The important thing is what we learn from messing up and how we apply the lesson moving forward.

I genuinely hope you'll be able to find some inner peace and clarity! And don't hesitate to ask strangers for their perspective, seriously. If you're not clear about an aspect of what you're going through, drop a post on one of the mental health boards, or relationship advice communities. And try to be honest about it with yourself first and foremost, give yourself some grace and compassion. Human life is a collective learning experience, literally not a single person who has ever lived on this planet has ever had it all figured out.

Just don't, y'know... like, doxx yourself, or something:)) And try to take everything with a grain of salt, actually think about how much sense one piece of advice makes when taken in the context of who you know yourself to be.