To prevent a recurrence of cancer, my wife's ovaries were removed and it has triggered menopause. We are in our mid 30s. It is a terrible business, with numerous symptoms like pain, discomfort, mood and attitude changes, and the like.
She is seeking treatments by her own idea, but that process has been extremely slow. In the mean time, all affection for me has completely evaporated and been replaced with anger, resentment, distance, and disrespect.
I know that she has no choice in what is happening to her, I know it is not her fault, I know she is barely able to control it, and I don't blame her for any of it. And yet, this new person living with me refuses to interact with me at all unless it's to chastise me for some perceived slight or criticize me for voicing my opinion.
I tried to express that I was feeling undesired and attacked but understood my plight was in no way similar to hers (nor as intense, serious, difficult, or important). I didn't want her to apologize because it wasn't her fault; I only wanted her to recognize that I was having feelings about what was going on.
She told me I had no right to those feelings, reminded me that what was happening was happening to her, and I should never bring it up again if I care about her at all.
So I'm seriously asking: What's the trick here? Do I just wait it out? Am I even allowed to have these feelings? Or should I just shut my big, dumb, stupid mouth? I legitimately want to know how to navigate this because I seem to only be making mistakes.
Definitely seek professional support for your own feelings.
In the meantime however, are you doing what you can to support her through this? She's, understandably, totally at capacity right now just trying to survive her own shit. Its possible that if you're able to ease her burden, she might have enough mental capacity to recognise you and spend some of her mental energy on you. Or, worst case, she just suffers less.