Jokes and Humor

Harry Caray and Gloria Steinhem

I always think of this clip when I hear the name Gloria Steinhem. It goes to show how the odds were always against this truly wonderful and remarkable lady who did good things for the human race.

If you’re so tired of expensive housing prices in your major city, then why don’t you stop complaining and move to this random town I found with some cheap houses for sale and exactly zero other amenities?

No place is perfect. Sure, this city is in the middle of nowhere, isn’t near major job markets, and doesn’t have maintained roads, well-funded schools, or functioning emergency services, but it does have a series of dilapidated ranch houses located between a data center and a second data center that is currently on fire.

You can’t complain about the price of housing if you refuse to move hundreds of miles away to a city I just learned about for the purposes of this bad-faith argument.

For the same amount as a down payment in New York City, you could buy an entire house in this town in upstate wherever or whatever it’s called. You could also buy absolutely nothing else in the town because any industry was decimated in a post-industrial economic order that bled regional metros dry for the benefit of a handful of global conglomerates.

Hey, Maya —

First off, congratulations on becoming an “outdoors person.” Three years ago, you thought mosquitoes were government drones. Now you own boots with names like “Expedition Carbon Ultra GTX.” People change.

I’m happy for you.

Which is why I’d like to offer you fifteen thousand dollars to pretend you never invited me.

Seriously.

Take it.

Use it for backpacks, trekking poles, tiny titanium spoons, or whatever mysterious economy hikers have built among themselves.

I simply cannot spend my Saturday voluntarily climbing a mountain whose greatest achievement is being taller than the parking lot.

It's disastrous.

It’s MAHA Monday at the Great American State Fair, and I am drinking a Phorm Energy Screamin’ Freedom (16 ounces for $6). The fair also offered normal drinks for $5 (Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, lemonade), but I figured that for an extra dollar, it would be worth it to know the taste of freedom. Screamin’ Freedom, specifically. This drink offers “natural energy,” “mental focus,” “hydration,” “zero sugar,” “200 MG caffeine,” and a picture of an eagle. The concessions worker warns me that the beverage emphasizes “screamin’” because it has the caffeine content of two Red Bulls. The flavor (“cherry, lemon, & blueberry flavored with other natural flavors”) evokes a melted rocket pop but gets somehow worse with every sip. It is in a can, so I will never know the color of this drink, but over the course of MAHA Monday, I will drink the entire thing.

Everything that follows may be a hallucination!

Consider the state booths. Some are Official State Presentations; others are very much not. Florida includes a cannon, a manatee, and a drawing of Juan Ponce de León at the Fountain of Youth, labeled “Drawing of Juan Ponce de León at the Fountain of Youth.” Georgia is proud to have originated the Waffle House! (Happy MAHA Day?)

Washington State has no official presence, but like many other states without an official presence, that has not stopped some graphic designer from conjuring up a nightmare on its behalf, this one in the form of an elk posing proudly with an Amazon package.

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25. (Octal 31 equals Decimal 25).

Turning the paper red when im done wiping is a brilliant feature