ttjshaman

• pouring my heart out to s/o who only heard "blahblahblah, where the $$$ gonna come from?", then spending time with s/o and realizing they need more saving than I do (s/o's family trapped me, I thought s/o loved knowledge like me. turns out, only stayed for the career prospect of six figures (research defunded, out of a career by guess who)). To add, we're long distance, and she's in town for a week, and is still acting distant. S/o don't gotta do a damn thing, we the ones taking them to/from home to apartment and back, showering them with gifts, and even still! always "What have you done for me... the past hour?? 😜" (Not blaming s/o, just that I am no longer able to venerate this attitude, due to forces out of my control.)

• vegan activism falling on deaf ears (I don't blame anybody, because this realm by default supported animal husbandry, earlier than farming of the first crops: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Animal_husbandry)

• weak genetics from weak parents who only had me because they liked sex and earning potential $$$ (I don't blame them, likely were indoctrinated by their parents and societal pressure)

• diabetes - insulin too $$$ and nah we ain't living a cripple - cancelling out all the healthy food through night sweats, increased cortisol and anxiety, neuropathy (I don't blame my body, I put it through keto 🤦‍♂️)

• $$$1k shithole! German roach infestation from neighboring units and landlord assuming me filthy (too broke to be a hoarder!) diatomaceous earth and alpine wsg be damned! (I don't blame the landlord, this an old building. I don't blame the tenants, problems external their control seem insurmountable and that reveals itself through dirty dishes, trash everywhere, etc.)

• preferring my hyperrealistic dreams (vegans, sex, etc) over reality, desiring the dream-reality confusion to intensify!

• seeing the homeless near me sprayed out of encampments via oxygen tanks through the firefighting department (I don't blame the firefighters, following orders to put food on the table)

• $$$ runs out soon, and since our family, friends, etc do not cherish knowledge > $$$ and willful ignorance, will be a burden no matter what (I don't blame anyone, this is just the fact of this realm. $$$ wins over all!)

Due to these factors, I can no longer cultivate joy, minimize suffering, or deepen my practice for knowledge, peace and love. Therefore, it is time to go, sooner than later.

My plan:

• spend the week drawing the hot people (physical or spiritual) in my life

• send my final bits of $$$ to friend, s/o, siblings ...

• making an unlisted yt video to show to hundreds on sc to go out 24 hours afterwards, that includes the clip of Mugen from samurai champloo ep14 and katt Williams interview 37:40 club shay shay, with the description linking to my Google docs' regarding the world I envision as progressive, sustainable, and liberating for all beings (I'm a performance artist. I want my death to be a protest to animal husbandry, perpetuated by organized religion and capitalism)

• exercise to the point of failure so that my bod can remain smoking hot beforehand

I experimented with the method already, it put me in a state of euphoria! Painless and peaceful. By all connotations, I'm blessed by the pursuit of knowledge, peace, and love!

If we make another comment here, it means Murphy's law! That would be disappointing :P