sixtoe

Kill me. I'm so traumatized from the last year that I barely function. I keep trying to do the work but I need psych care that would put me at more risk now that mental healthcare providers are giving data to ICE.

I look out of the window from the room in which I sleep and its raining hard. I'm near Renton Washington and everywhere is flooding, people are dying, and things are getting worse as the weather pummels Washington.

Folks are helping me. The community here is amazing but I am still so afraid of everyone. I put on my best big girl face, hike up my dress, and do the work but it's not helping. Every day I grow more isolated and feel more alone. All these trees remind me of how I survived hanging myself. They remind me how small I am. The terror of scale with no one to hold me is almost unbearable.

The praxis of accepting help is a the hardest labor I've ever done. Nothing feels right. Everything is getting worse and these amazing folks who are showing great love and support need it returned. I can't do that and it hurts in a way that I can't explain.

I keep saying that the parts of me that have been burned away weren't needed. That they weren't important but its not what I feel. I don't have dreams for a future. Those were burned away. So was my success at not self harming for decades. This isn't a forge and I'm meat not metal. I am doing my best but for reals I'm not okay.

I was approved for psych disability so i have more than nothing. I guess that's something for as long as the feds keep paying and I stay out of their grubby little hands.

Maybe I'll wake up and I'll not think im in my car or cry out. The folks here haven't mentioned it but they must hear me having the night terrors.

I can't talk about big stuff that might put the face of yours truly on the public front line of our fight for international asylum. I'm fucking terrified of becoming visible in a way that increases danger for me. I'm hoping I don't fuck it up because trans children and their families need asylum. I can't imagine the consequences of our failure on this front. I can barely stand, psychologically, and I don't want to do any of this. I want to go to sleep for good not take on a truckload more fuckin guilt and responsibility than I already feel.

I need rest. I'll be sure to keep fighting. Not for me because I'm not there yet but tomorrow I'll fight to stay, for Faye. Tomorrow is for Faye.

kthxbye - Opal

Thank you for reading till the end. Have some pics so you can fall in love with me and make me your pretty princess and protect me.

(this is copied from a comment i made a minute ago)

even after being evacuated to seattle im having a hell of a time staying alive. living in my car, having no connections, going to another fuckin BHU, being released still actively suicidal, making connections, getting some material and financial help, sleeping flat and warm for the foreseeable future, having no more money for food, snap being gone, roomie traumatized too

still fuckin suicidal after all of this because i am so damn traumatized. being safe inside, warm, and fed doesnt erase how bad its been or what i fled in utah or how i was abused on the utah bhu and by an activist there. i broke so bad and im still just trying to find what pieces i have left. i feel so bad for this student's family if they care at all they are probably suicidal themselves. ;( ;( ;(

we need help but its all burning down and we are trying to run ahead of the flames, in the smoke, alone and terrified. so many choose death for much lesser reasons but trauma isnt quantitative or qualitative. it fuckin hurts so much even now. my survivor guilt is murder. my feeling of love, community, protection, and safety all ring hollow because of the trauma. i need more time. i need more time but im not relaxing, im feeling like at any moment i will be back in my car, fearing everyone, and knowing that my mind and heart are still broken, trying to survive first myself and then the WHOLE WORLD

i cant let them win but i need so much help to just keep breathing every day. i cant tell my lovely friends how im really doing because they cant handle it any better than i am. they arent with me here so i cant hug them or be hugged by them or protect them or be protected by them. new friends are all sus because of the trauma. i know, i see, but i cant stop these feelings and put the better ones in the right place yet. i can see but i need time. time to heal.

I need help surviving. I'm on psych unit in SLC Utah after I broke from the stress of homelessness and being in a extremely hostile state and having recently been exploited. You can read my posts to get the gist.

I can't do this alone anymore but instead of icing myself I ended up 5150ed here at LDS hospital. The clinicians are fighting for me but the residential treatment centers, more than 5 of them, have rejected me. It doesn't look good. I'm broken and without hope.

My clinicians are helping me plan to flee to the PNW but I need help from you.

Can you help me spread my gofundme? You can read my whole sob story there and see my beautiful face. ;) I'm living out-out so you will be seeing my telephone number and panic and hopelessness too so if the genocide and struggle is triggering don't feel guilty for noping out here. I'm effectively alone here. No one is visiting and I'm crushingly lonely. I'm doing my best to recover myself and my faith in humanity but I'm failing.

If you can donate please do and if you can't, no sweat at all. If you share my link that will help generate attention and is as good as gold to me. I'm also seeking help with administrating the gofundme as I'm barely functional ATM and inside an acute unit with strict rules to keep us all safe. I'm listing this with the grace of understanding clinicians.

Please help me. I'm terrified and broken. I'm doing my best but it hasn't been enough.

https://gofund.me/7fb9821d

• Opal

I'm gonna die a part of the pauper class because I'm not going back. I will not capitulate any longer. All of those above us are terrified of becoming us. Let them fear as they step over us. Let them turn their heads as we cross the threshold. Let them feed and clothe us to relieve themselves of the burden of shame. Let them pick up our trash. Let them shun us. Let them kill us. Our purpose is to keep them in line. Let them queue up for assimilation and the yoke. Let them live and grow indifferent. When they join us we will watch them as they too become social monadic lumpenproletariat. Let them be the temporarily embarrassed labor class. Let them live their panicked survival trip. Death comes for us all.

i was invited to stay at this guy's house by a supposed anarchist running a pride-union support group. he behaved very strangely but i ignored the red flags because doing activism is difficult and folks need to unpack their phobias, internalized and otherwise. none of us are without some bigotry or bias.

week 3, he confesses he is actively suicidal. i suggest he could turn over his firearms to me. he does. i am also actively suicidal so i gave the parts to his friend.

then, recently, he confessed to aggravated sexual assault. his victim was sleeping. he blamed his victim twice. this fucker refused to give me any details except that one other person knew and that he had not made amends or been held accountable socially or otherwise. all those red flags dropped into place bigger than before. i went to his trans partner and told them and then i lost my shit bad.

a complete lack of empathy for others. centers himself and his feelings. no concern for the impact of his behavior on others. learned helplessness. barely suppressed rage. resentment towards those he has been doing direct action with and for. zero self-awareness. zero agency. repeatedly talks about union martyrs and their statues. pretends to listen. has no concern for the horrible dynamic he created and how i am a gender-dysphoria and medically papered american homeless transsexual hooker and he is a well-connected american white cis man in positions of power and influence in union and pride spaces. he lies to everyone all the time. the lies by assent and omission are the most glaring. his facade is a lie by commission.

he never seems to have an idea for activism on his own. he creeps around this house like he doesnt want to be perceived. he has zero life outside of the activism save the bar and the apps. good can be done by evil and fuck anyone who excuses abuse because someone provides some resources to the unsheltered and tables at pride events for unions. he is a menace.

its clear to me that his partner, some of the support group attendees, and myself were being used for his narcissistic validations and to seek absolution. i broke down. these are people i have started friendships with and care about. he knew i am a SA survivor with abusers that were gay men like him and decided to tell me anyway. he had me all fucked up and i let him have it. all my past shit came flooding back and i reproached, chided, berated, insulted, and was mean as fuck to him. i know he's sick but fuck this guy. a sexually assaulting fraud purposefully exploiting vulnerable people and groups.

im barricading the door at night. i made a fork lock to help make it more difficult to enter and give me time to grab my jack handle. im burning down every avenue he has to continue abusing folks or get in positions of power locally. this weekend i am going to tell a group of activists about his sexual assault, it's severity, and his exploitative behavior towards me. the only justice he will see is social justice. he fucked with the wrong tranny.

im not a pussy and i survive so fuck this guy for looking and finding me and killing what little trust i had. fuck him for making my paranoia bloom. fuck him for his betrayal of my goodwill and support for his activism. he has done good but he is also an asshole of monumental proportions who will just use people for his own emotional needs.

shit's fucked yo. this is my life and fuck it. i cant curtail these nihilistic feelings and thoughts right now and i dont care to. im all fucked up and i dont care about what happens to me anymore. how can i do anarchism now? i dont believe in anything and im deep in survival mode. the meaning ive found in life were my relationships with folks and i cant imagine i will have another one with any degree of trust. im old and tired and fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. FUCK RESTORATIVE JUSTICE I WANT TO SEE HIM SUFFER THAT PATHETIC FUCK IDGAF FUCK YOU DONT @ ME

i was invited to stay for as long as i needed. i told him i was an SA victim. 3 months later, all my food is here, my stuff, and he confesses he sexually assaulted someone. now, i have to leave, tell his trans partner who i bonded with of course, lose all my food, and like a million other details that i cant process rn because i just want to fuckin die. i dont know how without any money or prospects to get out of here. telling his gf is gonna blow up her life and mine too, as if it wasnt already exploded.

i thought i could get some time here to sleep in a warm place and try to earn enough to get into one of the trans pipelines to the pnw or colorado. no one will hire me and no one that wants to pay me for a date seems to want anything but to humiliate me and make me afraid while they do whatever. i cant even give blood because i dont have a lease or utility bill.

im likely to be shut out of the mutual-aid and direct action i was doing. this guy is well connected and im just an old homeless tranny hooker that is too ugly to get dates so i cant even do that. everyone feels so bad for me like that is my actual purpose on this earth to be that person that lets people feel relieved they arent me. old homeless trans are less than dog dirt on someones shoe. dont wash it off even. shoe must be destroyed.

ive told the people i know that care about me who he is and where im staying in case anything happens to me. i mean, dudes dont like losing social status and im now a known risk to him and his carefully constructed public persona. im not even a person in this. im an NPC in his facade of a life.

i dont even have enough stuff to block the door and im sleeping with my knife now. like surviving has any meaning now anyway. all i can think about is telling my friend, his partner. maybe when i do he will go postal and kill me since im too broke to buy blues to kms and i dont want to suffer when i die. like maybe i should lean into this. what else do i have to look forward to in the good ol USA?

anyway, this is homeless trans life.