Kill me. I'm so traumatized from the last year that I barely function. I keep trying to do the work but I need psych care that would put me at more risk now that mental healthcare providers are giving data to ICE.
I look out of the window from the room in which I sleep and its raining hard. I'm near Renton Washington and everywhere is flooding, people are dying, and things are getting worse as the weather pummels Washington.
Folks are helping me. The community here is amazing but I am still so afraid of everyone. I put on my best big girl face, hike up my dress, and do the work but it's not helping. Every day I grow more isolated and feel more alone. All these trees remind me of how I survived hanging myself. They remind me how small I am. The terror of scale with no one to hold me is almost unbearable.
The praxis of accepting help is a the hardest labor I've ever done. Nothing feels right. Everything is getting worse and these amazing folks who are showing great love and support need it returned. I can't do that and it hurts in a way that I can't explain.
I keep saying that the parts of me that have been burned away weren't needed. That they weren't important but its not what I feel. I don't have dreams for a future. Those were burned away. So was my success at not self harming for decades. This isn't a forge and I'm meat not metal. I am doing my best but for reals I'm not okay.
I was approved for psych disability so i have more than nothing. I guess that's something for as long as the feds keep paying and I stay out of their grubby little hands.
Maybe I'll wake up and I'll not think im in my car or cry out. The folks here haven't mentioned it but they must hear me having the night terrors.
I can't talk about big stuff that might put the face of yours truly on the public front line of our fight for international asylum. I'm fucking terrified of becoming visible in a way that increases danger for me. I'm hoping I don't fuck it up because trans children and their families need asylum. I can't imagine the consequences of our failure on this front. I can barely stand, psychologically, and I don't want to do any of this. I want to go to sleep for good not take on a truckload more fuckin guilt and responsibility than I already feel.
I need rest. I'll be sure to keep fighting. Not for me because I'm not there yet but tomorrow I'll fight to stay, for Faye. Tomorrow is for Faye.
kthxbye - Opal
Thank you for reading till the end. Have some pics so you can fall in love with me and make me your pretty princess and protect me.
