melbaboutown

My Windows computer is full because of Win 11 bloating (which for some people going over a certain percent of storage wiped their files) so I couldn't do it there and use the app. Using a Mac you still can't download more than 1000 files at once so I selected them manually and downloaded in batches of 50-300ish photos at a time.

And that's only for the ones of Melbcat because I don't want Apple to randomly lock access to them before they can be backed up. I'm not sure how it would go on Linux, maybe the same... no idea if there would be any incompatibilities but that old computer could be a good storage place. Bonus if I take out the wifi dongle and unplug the ethernet cable these companies literally can't access my stuff on there to mess with it. There's so much still to do but right now I just need to pull my finger out for the ones of baby girl.

I struggle so badly with the memory and organisation aspects of keeping things backed up (to the point I've lost entire hard drives worth of stuff repeatedly before cloud services and still haven't finished the work now) but I don't like how your own stuff is low key kept hostage, scanned for anything potentially offensive with notoriously inaccurate AI, and they have a million little ways to make it tricky or tedious to get your own files back. I won't even get into how Microsoft yoinked my files off my computer without consent, hid the option to back up to drive, and tried to extort money for more cloud storage.

Yesterday was a horrible day. Today I’m picking up her ashes.

Due to sods law my irl people are also busy and less available to talk to just now.

Going through photos and they just don’t seem as plentiful as they once did. (A lot are ruined too by a messy background, identifying information or I didn’t take especially good photos.) Those are all there will ever be of her now :(

I need to back these up somewhere off my phone and the cloud especially with Apple bringing in age verification or it could randomly decide there was something inappropriate and lock my account. I’m just feeling overwhelmed. There’s quite a lot of data backup I need to do, should have done years ago, but I can’t seem to get organised. And it sets off my anxiety so badly I can’t finish. I’ll have to find time and ask for help.

I don’t feel capable of doing anything right now. Things will get worse as reality sets in but people will have moved on while I’m still in it.

Melbcat was a constant support who was there no matter what and kept me going through other losses/the general shittiness of life as well as being deeply loved in her own right so this isn’t even a shadow of how bad I’m going to feel. I pick her ashes up Tuesday. Autumn and winter are kind of looming.

The chances of going off a mental health cliff at some point are high.

It’s coming through now. No more sleepy morning cuddles. No more relaxing together and companionable tail hugs. No more playing computer games together and holding her at night. Everything is grey https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iNiUG33rSyY

I’m remembering how funny and sweet Melbcat was, feeling like a monster for just numbly powering through the first week after she died as if nothing had changed, handling everything and speaking so much on everything else (including this other cat) like she hadn’t just died. I was hysterical while making the decision but afterwards something broke and shut off.

Missing her big soft teddy body, her warm weight against me, and the silky thickness of her fur. The tiny snoring and the granny grumbles. Her head on my shoulder. The holding onto items (and me) with her prehensile monkey tail. The pops of her claws catching on the carpet as she walked (she passively resisted having them cut) and the ding and lap of her having a drink. Crunching of her beloved biccies. The familiar sounds are gone. The routine is gone.

Wondering if some of her odd behaviours were her trying to tell me how sick she was. I’m seeing dead-on signs in hindsight. But I never understood. Despite all the vet visits they never picked it up. Even though I had her seen repeatedly in that time I still wish I hadn’t been so complacent in those weeks after minor surgery (intended to prevent something like this) and at least known sooner that I couldn’t save her. Chemo or surgery wouldn’t have saved her because she was also having heart failure. I found out then made a hard decision that night and had her put down the next day.

I think I need to step back from the black cat emotionally because he’s indicated plainly that he doesn’t want help, I can’t just fix the situation, and I need to focus on myself. He could never replace her and I’m not even seeing him around right now due to sleeping my life away.

I will be removing the half-made quarantine setup and returning my back room to how it looked when Melbcat was alive. Even if she’s not around to drink water or sleep there in the sun I wasn’t ready for it to have changed. The beds and bowls in the front room remain untouched (except the blanket in the hidey box was removed for washing). Even the litterboxes are still in their spots. Every time I do laundry or vacuum I’m removing the traces of her from my house and soon all I’ll have left is a bag of whiskers, a bag of shed fur from the brush, digital photos and her ashes.

I didn’t take enough photos towards the end. I didn’t know it was coming.

I’m debating sharing photos from her life but trying to pick the best ones that don’t show too much of my surroundings or my face. The ones from afterwards look so peaceful, like she’s only sleeping in my arms, but I don’t know if that’s appropriate to share and wouldn’t just post those without warning.