lelkins

it's not imprisonment, it's traumatic family experience. without getting into details, i can't afford living alone. family is the type to go "i'll beat you up" when i tell them that i am depressed. very christian kind too

also the "holding knives to your family members" is a big misunderstanding, i just go really slowly and hold them horizontally instead of vertically so that nobody, not even i, get hurt. i just fear death and pain that much. i do not want to hurt anyone, not even myself.

i wanted to be an english teacher when i was a kid, i wanted to share my passion for this language to others. now, not only do i show signs of being the worst no matter what anyone else says, but also "IT'S BAD, WORK FROM HOME, KIDS WILL HATE YOU AND YOU WILL BEAT THEM UP OUT OF RAGE, IF YOU DONT WORK FROM HOME YOU WILL HAVE TO WAKE UP EARLY AND DRIVE AND GO TO WORK AND NEVER COME HOME". motivation is gone.

i always wanted to be a programmer as a kid because i wanted to make video games of course i would. the passion died when my family wasted my money to put me in a dogshit python course that gave me two certs that are only useful as metaphorical toilet paper. their reason was "python big money easy to learn IF YOU DONT DO THIS I WILL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU YOU UNGRATEFUL FUCK". motivation is gone.

none of your options to afford therapy is worth it. i can't even drive because i fear car crashes

i don't think my country has any of those. also i don't want my family to see any of that. they'll just be even more mad

does the button allow me to bring myself back? is there a button to make me home alone? i need the macaulay culkin button even a fucking beavis and butthead button where i get so alone i can self supply myself would be greay

for 22 god damn years i was like this. the only thing i look forward to is alone time just to play games, draw and shitpost. imagine me as a youtuber. as a streamer, even. i already have a vtuber model i made for the hell of it. you can see it in one of my art posts. was genuinely fun to make and rig but i can't use it because i'll be judged.

hasan has big car? i want a fucking castle where nobody can get in. elon has 50 companies? fuck that i want creative mode or the simcity cheat that gives you unlimited money to do whatever the fuck you want. i want to dabble into robotics for the most advanced bits ever, i want to dabble into game developing i am only an ideas guy because my motivation is that far gone. i want to be so alone i can voice train and even learn funny voice impressions. i want alone time that will never be interrupted ever. i want to never lay a finger on things that will alienate me. i want to be an actual artist with all the time in the world to be an artist

when i was a kid, i always wanted to be funny. i wanted to be loved from the start. i don't get love, but i am somehow funny to you all. how am i funny? how? in real life i am the least funny person in the whole place unless i am a stupid fucking idiot

and because i mentioned "cw: ableism", i will also mention that my family treats me as if i am not autistic. they're just forcing me to mask, it feels like we don't speak the same fucking language. they blame me for not understanding anything they say, they fucking hate me cause i came out of the oven with mental fuckery. if i tell them anything i am writing here, they'll just shrug it off, blame me and then threaten me with violence and then guilt trip me to hell and back

issue is that there's nothing for any of us to so. i can't afford therapy, i can't get anything, i am not allowed to leave or go anywhere, i am not allowed to pursue my lifelong dream of entertaining others or being an english teacher because i cannot stand being one. i have parts of me that want this inner dark to get even darker and i have parts that just refuse the idea of death.

i have had visions of me just

i can't even think about writing it. you fill in the blanks, the hint is in the spoiler title

i cant sleep and my chest hurts. i fear death and i hate how my life is, why move on? why continue? there's no spite to keep me going, the ones that hurt me the most want me to stay for as long as possible. i literally hold knives away from everyone, horizontally and my body can't go any faster when i have to bring a knife to a family member for instance

i fear death and i hate how my life is. how was it to be happy? how was it to be alone? to have peace and quiet? what are those? when will i have those?