Smorty

• i ate a single cheese bread with lettauce (the green crunchy leafy stff)
  • i wana make german pfannkuchen (mid-point between crepes n pancakes) so i cn make a vid for erotador to show her how cool those r ~ <3
  • i wana eat.. hmm... uhm i guess... burgr 🍔 n .... fries 🍟 (in thad mood rn).. aw yea! chili cheese ones, n alsuuu uhm - whopper for littles (junior) like three times, yeash!
• uhmmm... hm, gud question. whad am i thinkin bout... i was thinkin bout how to make bettr memes in godot... n alsuuu uhm - whad i am gona do later when i get home! i was thinkin bout playin the luanti agn bt...hmrr imma hav to see.. bout thad..
• i wana becom a preddi grl who is reasonabl, gud at discussing n not mekin anyone feel left out, not understood or uncomf. i wan be a mothr 🍼
• i wan be known for ... for bein fun to talk to. known for kowin how to do frenly discussions with peeps n alsuu uhmn.- be .... be smart... yea, i wan be smart, i wan be like wordgrl bt for numbrs n tensors... (i nevr watchd wordgrl >v< )
• is most important thad we understand each othr.. evn if we dun agree, we cn still be frens. also world piece or whatevr
• pffff uhm... duno... i dun care bout.. hm... web frameworks?.... sure. web frameworks. i like my boring html websites with fun css colrs <3. also moni. oh yea, also, sugary drinks. i luv my watr n du care bout them sugars.
• pffff ur askin all the gud question hm? uhm yea- whad i care bout... im preddi boring ... i dun hav special interestsn..... music theory?... i wud like to kno more bout it... uhm - nvim?... trynna set thad up to worrk gud with html... duno - dun got many special intrsts... broing

• i startd doin therapy ovr half yea ago
• first session therapist said "many peeps com here n jus wait til they get hrt"
• second session i said som vrri ew adult wrords: "i rlli hate how my legsies look, always wear long pants now"
• therapist lik "dun say such evil, selfdeprecatn adult wrords!"
• afterwards i used vrri vrri vrri soft language to describ my feelins (evn tho i usually alrdi do that a lot) like
  • "im nt quite sur bout gendr bt meh, is nt so importnt"
  • "i feels kindsa uncomfs bt is fine ~"
  • "theres nt mch holdin me alive rn besides mothr, frens n dum bs who-givs-a-smol-poop ai project. so im safe!"
    • apparntli she didn realize i was sain im ... lik - rlli sad.
• my other kinda-therapist told me thad she thinks that actual-therapist doesn seem to undrstnd me n wantd to call
  • she did! turns out, actual-therapist truly didn get any of thad. i was softenin things too mch 🛌 🍼 💖 :mamakisseslilone: :mamaputsliltobed:
• today is new therapy session since... over two months (evil holidays n othr stuff preventd stff)
  • after call, kinda-therapist told me thad actual-therapist believes increasin sessino frequence is gud idea to weekly...

so yea!

i feel i hav to rlli lik - put my feelins out somehow so im goin with a literature type, cuz i did slideshows too oftn alrdi (not with her, bt with other peeps)

imma call it

"die 'slideshows sind langweilig, deshalb mache ich seitensammlung' seitensammlung"

which translates to

"the 'slideshows r boring, thads why im mekin a page-collection' page-collection"

to... bring things across frfr dis time while:

• bein truthful
• not overexaggeratin bt also VRRI mch not underexaggeratin
• not bein self-deprecatin too mch
• not bein manipulative
• not bein too weird
• bein somewhat entertainin (so therapist enjoys time at least a lil bt..)

i tend to always undershare when it coms to bad or sad stuffs bout myself. bt dis time, NO! i hav written things down!!!! i cn jus hold myself to it like a script!

worst case, i realize im sugar-coatin again, n jus giv her the page collection <3

this way, i try n be easy to read n understand, while also not seemin genuinely insane (i hav a fear.. thad she thinks i genuinli need lik - mor in-depth kindsa therapy.... with lik ... feel-gud-drugs n stuff... i dun wan thad. thad feels lik cheatin, also i kno thad all my happiness is fake, so it becoms worthless)