Seconded!

I get why they do this, suicide prevention is no joke and should be handled by people that trained for it, some commenter trying to help could cause a lot of harm without meaning to do so and someone that's not in a good mental space could become triggered and/ or spiral into suicidal thoughts themselves after reading these kinds of subjects.

That said, perhaps the mods could link suicide prevention hotlines from all over the world (as you already do for different resources on -TherapyNeurodegenerative Disease Support, ADHD, Autism, Fibromyalgia, etc.). If I were me, Id put those as front and center as posible, and as easy to find as posible by those who need it (say, quote it after the rule about suicide, include it in the resources given, maybe highlight it).

Suicide.org has some great guidelines on how to mention suicide in the media (not the same thing as a mental health forum, I know, but I personally find them very useful regardless when it comes to discussing anything suicide-related on the internet, where you never know who is reading your content).

And remember, if you or someone you know is feeling suicidal, there's help out there! there's people willing to work with you to get through this, please reach out to them.

Copy paste a bunch of Lorem Ipsum and you're done

Remember all those posts that sometimes will come up in r/relationship advice or subs like that portraying really vulnerable people that are really down on their luck ("Im a single mom/dad and have to do horrible things so that my children can eat" "Im an abused teen and can't escape my home" "Im trying to escape a borderline cult" etc etc)?

Now, Im sure at least some of those were fake to begin with (I don't have anything against those subs or those stories, but you can't guarantee every single one of them is true). Now imagine if they could put a little edit in the end "thank you all, you are so kind, I managed to sign up into reddit's content program, so if you want to help make sure to upvote and leave some gold, it means so much".

In those subs, people were already helping out how they could (I would often see people offering to send food or stuff to OPs home, things like that)... so that's not gonna backfire at all if its implemented.

Imagine if the songs The KKK Took My Baby Away and Fire of Unknown Origin (took my baby away) are talking about one really unfortunate baby that keeps on being taken away by random stuff.

You can replace reddit.com with reddit.adminforge.de, so say instead of reddit.com/r/ModCoord --> go to reddit.adminforge.de/r/ModCoord

You can scroll your little heart away without giving reddit any traffic

Kbin already counts upvotes and boosts, similar to reddit karma.
But it could perhaps be something that stays hidden for everyone but yourself and moderators (provided you are participating in their magazine, otherwise anyone could open a magazine to see everyone elses karma)

But in all seriousness, we would probably ask them what they think about reddit's working environment and a few questions like that, and then everybody would move along

Pretty much like this:

I just grabbed my most upvoted comments and "put them behind the paywall".
Of course there is no paywall, but you just get to read the first few words that were there and then I edited in a message saying:

This used to be a full comment, you can find more resources in the link bellow since I have moved to kbin and reddit doesn't deserve my content! Bye reddit, you won't be missed!
For more [subject] advice, find me on https://kbin.social/m/[subject]

Bonus points if I could cut the comment out at the exact time it was about to become useful "Whats actually going on here is that..."

I did that for fresh comments going back to 4 months and most upvoted comments going back until I reached the ones with 20 upvotes. It was manual, I was waiting for something to process in my work computer.

Probably she wanted to stall the process as much as posible so that they could bill the service some more before cancelling.
That or they have a script to make the service as hard to cancel as posible and she was just parroting that, without really paying attention to what OP was saying.