I haven't tried using arch since I was 12, and even after all these years the experience makes me feel like such a poser, I didn't even manage to compile the kernel, and gave up before I had anything resembling an OS.

Mint Cookies :)

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I'd say Void linux and opensuse also qualify for the "No time for distrowars" section.

For me it was Ubuntu straight to CentOS, then settled on RedHat

Debian user here... Just works and has been working since '95 here. After Slackware 1.3 and Redhat (non EL) 4.2 I was fed up with reinstalls for major upgrades, so I switched to Debian. It just works, most of the times. (for the first time in decades I had to revert a kernel to the previous version, that what you get running testing ;) )

Am I a guru, I doubt it but I don't care, I'm lazy enough to stick with what I know, but not to lazy to dive into new things. (but not until I absolutely have to)