Dad for a Minute

Hey kid, you're asking some good questions here. Your old man is an engineer too, and I've been in the same spot.

First thing I'd say is to re-read your post and count how many times you mention something that you should or shouldn't be doing or feeling. Seems like you're feeling a lot of pressure to do or be something that you aren't right now. And with all that pressure looming over your head, it's no wonder that it's hard to find joy in anything. It's common for kids your age to feel like they're not living up to their potential--your old man's generation screwed the pooch on that one. But thinking through where that pressure is coming from might help get to the root of why you feel this way.

And if you don't feel like you're getting anywhere with that, do the same thing you'd do with an engineering problem--get another set of eyes on the problem. Not sure if you know, but I've seen a couple of therapists in my time. It can be tricky to find one that clicks with you, but it can be really helpful to talk to an expert on these things.

Sounds like you got the depression your grandmother and I suffered from. I would very strongly advise avoiding alcohol, it killed her and tried to get me too. I still struggle with depression periodically. Now, actually.

People think of depression as being miserable but 95% of the time thats not true, youre just... flat. You dont get real joy from things you typically like doing. You go through the motions and sometimes it helps a little but most of the time youre just killing time until you fall asleep. Sleep is easy. But eventually tomorrow comes.

Remember, this isnt the Suffering Olympics. Just because other people "have it worse" doesnt invalidate your own suffering. This is your one and only life.

Life is struggle much of the time. Buddha knew it, Marx knew it, Neitsche knew it, and most others too. I can't promise itll get better, but there are things that can help. Exercise, for one. When I was in pretty bad emotional shape for a while I took myself to a nearby mountain and hiked. I liked the solitude, the view. There was no competition or pace to keep. I just walked uphill for a couple hours. I almost always felt better the rest of the day.

I dont know what medicines you tried, and I know it sucks, but you may want to try again. Lexapro ended up helping me. It wasnt perfect, it takes a while to start working and there were some side effects, but for a long time it was worth it.

Keep going. One day, your circumstances will change. Maybe you'll move somewhere wonderful, or fall in love, start a family. Over enough time, lots of things change. Make sure youre around to see them.

And remember that you are loved, whether you feel like you deserve it or not.

Thank you everyone for taking a moment to share your wisdom and your words of encouragement. It's been helpful to see that other people have had similar moments and gotten through it. Even though it's very cliche and I know that it's like that, it's still at least a little reassuring to hear personally.

I hope you have a great day and I hope you get the opportunity to be there for others in your lives.

Where you find boredom, you find peace. Take it in, observe the calm. Learn to enjoy it and relax, because it won't always be there. Calm and boredom are a sign that life is good because the opposite is stress and anxiety. Just try to live in the moment and relax. You may not be able to find such peace forever. All of your needs are met, enjoy it while it lasts.

I'm feeling very stuck right now and a little scared/worried that it's just going to be like this in perpetuity.

Hey kid, I could tell you some stories about when I felt the same, but I'll cut right to it: It's normal to get stuck in life. But it's never like that in perpetuity. Nothing lasts forever, including that feeling of inertia.

I'm not your dad, but I think we're cousins. Sorry you're going through it, too.

Since you suspect you're neurodivergent (I am, too), do you find yourself becoming fascinated with new things until you learn everything you want to know about them and then never pick them up again? That's a trademark of neurodivergence. We get a good blast of dopamine when we fixate on something new and ride that train as long as we can, until the shine wears off and it doesn't seem as fun as it used to.

I haven't found anything specific that helps more than curiosity does. When things seem interesting to me, I'm at my most likely to want to learn more about them and it's the learning process that helps me feel better: something is interesting, I learn the basics about it, acquire the early skills, practice until I'm competent at it, show solid gains in it, and decide if I want to do more. A lot of times I'm satisfied at that point and stop because the dopamine is harder to come by. Staying curious helps keep my brain primed for new things and often pushes me from "nothing sounds fun or rewarding right now" or "maybe later" to "hey, I never noticed that before!" and I can go back to chasing my fun.

It's not easy or a guaranteed solve, but it is pretty straightforward. Sometimes the dopamine doesn't follow and it's really disappointing, or the anxiety catches up to me and I get down on myself for having a hobby graveyard. I have to remind myself that the money that goes into all these hobbies and tools and supplies is money well spent on mental health treatment and management. It doesn't result in a financial gain, but that isn't a helpful way to measure when we're talking about happiness and life satisfaction. And when my curiosity and dopamine chasing take me back to a hobby I've had before, it's really satisfying to already have everything I need to start it up again!

I get really jealous of people who are passionate and genuinely love what they do for work/fun, people who just can’t be stopped.

To me it sounds like you are describing people that have a purpose. They have chosen to try to accomplish something they find value in. The energy (and possibly accomplishment) you're seeing in them is them working toward their chosen goal.

Have you sat down and decided what you'd like your purpose to be? It doesn't have to be something you do for the rest of your life, so don't feel pressure to "choose correctly". It just has to be your purpose "for now". There is no wrong answer here because the measure is simply your own values. While some choose noble purposes (ending world hunger, war, poverty, etc) it can even be something small and inconsequential like "I'd like to be able to do a kickflip skateboard". Your engineering mind should work nicely with this. You'd break your goal down into smaller steps and identify what you need to learn, do, acquire, to accomplish you goal. When you're not working or sleeping, you have something you can think about and work toward. I'd recommend setting a goal/purpose that you know is objectively achievable.

If even this seems too daunting, set a purpose that helps others. If you can't do it for yourself, sometimes its easy to do for others. Again, it doesn't have to be building a house single-handedly for someone unhoused. I could be pickup up trash on your street or helping an elderly neighbor carry something heavy. In this case you could define your purpose as "Helping others in ways you can".

You need to let yourself off the hook.

You are not obliged to feel happy all the time. You, and everyone else will have their ups and downs, and one thing I can guarantee you is that trying to force yourself to be happy or shaming yourself for not feeling happy is the fast track to feeling worse.

So long as your basic needs are met, you’re doing alright.

If you have the bandwidth, hop on a voice of video call with someone you trust. Ask them first if they have the spoons to listen to you express how you’re feeling, but don’t be mad or disappointed in them if they don’t, everyone has their own things to deal with. Tell them how you feel and how you want to feel better. Tell them all the things that are bothering you. They will probably have suggestions, some or all of them might be stuff you’ve tried already, and it might be tiresome to hear, but they care about you so it’s to be expected.

After that, carry on, maybe schedule a recurring time to play games online or something. But expressing how you feel, out loud, can be immensely helpful.

If not, we can try something else.

I've dealt with something like this before, I've made posts about it that you can read here :

https://lemmy.world/search?q=Eudai&type=All&listingType=All&creatorId=531839&page=1&sort=TopAll&titleOnly=false

Basically, you might need to balance “easy pleasure” (hedonism) and some “productive pleasure”.

As for socialising with skills you have, charities and maker meetups might help you find similar minded new friends to share your interests with.

rest. i can see that you're doing a lot to try to shake yourself out of this, like keeping in touch with friends, finding new interests & hobbies, and spending as much time offline with people as possible, and maybe it sounds like an overly silly/basic suggestion, but rest is so important for recovery.

it's particularly important for neurodiverse people: don't try to brute force your way into feeling better if it's going to result in you expending even more energy on masking, and then possibly get you further into burnout.

your baseline low mood could be depression, or it could be burnout, or it could be a very reasonable reaction to global politics at the moment. all of them will need you to make sure you're getting rest and being gentle with yourself.

these things all take time to work through, and progress (both personal and political) isn't always linear, but you're resourceful and resilient as hell, so i know that you're going to come out the other side of this & find those sparks of joy again. and for what it's worth, this internet dad is cheering you on! 💪

The world sucks right now. We're literally burning through it and it is hard to find happiness in. The depression comment sounds about correct to me, but I would add that some travel will help with perspective. Tap up an old buddy, give that strange aunt a call, go visit somewhere else for a week. Somewhere beautiful if you can. And if you can't, read instead - libraries are free and offer an easy escape. You need a break, we all need a break.

Then set some short/medium term goals. A skill, a sport, a model, a hobby, a partner, a new flat/car/job. And pursue them a little every day

Same boat. Strangely never seen it articulated so well and mirroring my own position in life so well. What I'm learning is comparison is the thief of joy. Meds haven't helped me in the slightest, and I've tried everything and been self medicating for years with alcohol. Don't go there, it can always be worse. If this is my baseline, I'll do what I can, if for no other reason than to prove myself wrong. The alternative is unknown, what I have isn't great, I want more, but why do I need that? Why would a different situation mean things are better? What is the reason I feel I need that to feel better? I've isolated myself from a lot of external influence. Did a "reset" of sorts for the last 2 years. Got back to what drove me when I was younger. Things I actively searched out. I got back into my hobbies. I play bass again. I got physically active. My baseline has been elevated since doing those things. I still have the negative feelings a lot, but my "lowest" doesn't feel that low anymore. Like it doesn't register so much if that makes sense. I still feel nothing or blank, most of the time, but it doesn't feel so heavy. It's like every minute of every day has been for a reason, and feeling guilty for taking any time for myself wasn't productive in a beneficial way. But I have found that's exactly the point. Be selfish in the little ways. Read a book over doing the dishes, there'll be more either way. Don't vacuum, there isn't a news crew doing an exposé on your life. Let the obligations slip a little at the expense of personal fulfillment. I'm in no way a happy person, but I've learned a bit to not care so much. This all ends with death either way. I'm so done trying to do better. I'm learning to do good enough for myself. I think the 10 year old version of me would see how things are, and be proud that I'm not giving in to those insane expectations. I've found a tiny sliver of personal enjoyment, fuck what others think and expect of me. I'm in this world for myself and nobody else. I hope something I said gives you some clarity that was hidden from you. I could use more people like me in my life.

I feel you man. I get like that a lot of the time too. Must be the genetics... when I feel that way I pack a lunch and ride my bike as far as I can go. Maybe I'll stop at a cafe and watch and listen to the people. Maybe I'll just go for a walk. What's the area like that you're living in now? Does it even have bike lanes, sidewalks even? I remember living in my old city, I would often feel trapped because the only viable option to get anywhere was using a car... and I hate driving. I mean there was public transit but it was always late...

... It's a big decision; but consider moving to a new city. Maybe it's time to meet new people (and hopefully find more bike lanes). New places to explore and sights to see... It's normal for people to change, and with that change comes different needs that your current lifestyle might not be able to fulfil and the lifestyle you need might not be possible where you live.

If you're doing any drugs, stop doing them.

If you're doing no drugs, try a few but never more than twice.