I don't like being down but I've been trying to find an answer for a while and haven't really gotten anywhere, so I guess I just need some kind of different perspective.
For a while, I just haven't been feeling great. Like my mood is baseline low and while hanging out with friends sometimes moments can be silly or fun but it doesn't really help uplift me overall.
I get really jealous of people who are passionate and genuinely love what they do for work/fun, people who just can't be stopped. I feel almost the opposite. There's plenty of things I'm capable of or that I'm good at, but nothing that really sparks joy. I feel like knowing a lot about things doesn't really mean much if you can't/don't actually do anything with it.
I'm very computer capable, I tend to DIY what I can at home and I try to help my friends when I can. Most of my friends are from high school or college and live farther away from me, which is annoying and limits me to seeing them every now and then on the weekends. Occasionally, we try to do things online to help alleviate the distance problem but it's frankly just not the same. I grew up being primarily online and have been trying so, so hard to spend time with people offline recently.
I always feel like I should be more social and make new friends that live closer to me or match up with my interests more. One of the primary things people tell you is to, "Go do something you enjoy doing by yourself and then meet other people there." It's just so difficult to start when you aren't really having fun in the first place. It's like trying to win a race when you don't even have a car...
I spent a year trying to work out if there was something medically wrong and that process was brutal. It felt like every time I changed medication to get after a set of symptoms, I had some form of side effects that made things worse without really seeing improvements. Eventually I got to the point where I couldn't handle trying anything new because it was just so exhausting. We ended up at the point of there, "maybe being some inkling of ASD/ADHD" but requiring more evaluation that I didn't go through with before losing access to my good insurance. Even if that were the case, I'm stuck on the practical "so what" part of the equation with the fact that most of what we tried didn't really help very much.
Moral of the story I guess is that I'm feeling very stuck right now and a little scared/worried that it's just going to be like this in perpetuity. I come from an engineering background and I'm used to having real answers and troubleshooting and incremental progress and understanding, and none of that is really coming through for me right now. I consider myself relatively well-off, which makes me feel awful when compared to how hard it is for a lot of people at the moment - and in some ways that makes me more scared that if I'm already struggling now, how will I manage if my situation does degrade?
It's not very inspiring and I'd really appreciate some advice... -CC
Same boat. Strangely never seen it articulated so well and mirroring my own position in life so well. What I'm learning is comparison is the thief of joy. Meds haven't helped me in the slightest, and I've tried everything and been self medicating for years with alcohol. Don't go there, it can always be worse. If this is my baseline, I'll do what I can, if for no other reason than to prove myself wrong. The alternative is unknown, what I have isn't great, I want more, but why do I need that? Why would a different situation mean things are better? What is the reason I feel I need that to feel better? I've isolated myself from a lot of external influence. Did a "reset" of sorts for the last 2 years. Got back to what drove me when I was younger. Things I actively searched out. I got back into my hobbies. I play bass again. I got physically active. My baseline has been elevated since doing those things. I still have the negative feelings a lot, but my "lowest" doesn't feel that low anymore. Like it doesn't register so much if that makes sense. I still feel nothing or blank, most of the time, but it doesn't feel so heavy. It's like every minute of every day has been for a reason, and feeling guilty for taking any time for myself wasn't productive in a beneficial way. But I have found that's exactly the point. Be selfish in the little ways. Read a book over doing the dishes, there'll be more either way. Don't vacuum, there isn't a news crew doing an exposé on your life. Let the obligations slip a little at the expense of personal fulfillment. I'm in no way a happy person, but I've learned a bit to not care so much. This all ends with death either way. I'm so done trying to do better. I'm learning to do good enough for myself. I think the 10 year old version of me would see how things are, and be proud that I'm not giving in to those insane expectations. I've found a tiny sliver of personal enjoyment, fuck what others think and expect of me. I'm in this world for myself and nobody else. I hope something I said gives you some clarity that was hidden from you. I could use more people like me in my life.