this post was submitted on 22 Jul 2026
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[–] laranis@lemmy.zip 7 points 7 hours ago

I think the proper rephrasing should be, "Would you suck one ape dick to save every human?"

It is physically possible (unlike "every" ape dick) and shapes up as a lose-lose: OP's either a hypocrite or an ape-dick sucker.

[–] bitwolf@sh.itjust.works 19 points 10 hours ago (2 children)

How exactly are we more.important?

Earth probably hates us and thinks we're parasites.

[–] Waraugh@lemmy.dbzer0.com 9 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

Earth needed us to create plastic, once we’ve created that in sufficient numbers it will restart with the additional resource availability

[–] Alberat@lemmy.world 1 points 6 hours ago (2 children)

what obscure reference is this?

[–] TwistedTurtle@sh.itjust.works 2 points 4 hours ago

It's a George Carlin bit.

[–] Bassman1805@lemmy.world 1 points 6 hours ago

The entire survival/crafting/basebuilding genre.

Pacific Garbage Patch would go hard for a post apocalyptic scavenger.

[–] HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 3 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

we can steal copper out of flock cameras. can you train a monkey to do that?

[–] absentbird@lemmy.world 19 points 13 hours ago (2 children)
[–] VitoRobles@lemmy.today 6 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

Shhh we almost got Matt to suck a bunch of dick

[–] HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 3 points 7 hours ago (1 children)

you would be surprised how often i've needed this

[–] VitoRobles@lemmy.today 1 points 5 hours ago

I... Love it. Thank you

[–] HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 2 points 8 hours ago

haha jokes on you all my nuts are truck nuts.

wait that makes all my trucks trans

[–] FavouriteShapes@sh.itjust.works 2 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

"no it would take to long" is what I would answer if I was him

[–] whereitsat@lemmy.zip 4 points 9 hours ago* (last edited 9 hours ago) (1 children)

i had an exclusive tour of a preserve in the congo because my sister was dating this guy who worked there (she loves BBC for some reason), and i met a few gorillas up close and personal. you're never gonna believe this one, but one of them (her name was gretchen) shared a peach with me because she was full, and while i was eating it--are you ready?--she wrapped one arm around me in a warm embrace; that soft exterior gave way to a burst of sugary nectar that tasted as sweet as anything out of a factory with 50g of sugar, including coca cola and little debbie.

but it was the love that made it so sweet.

i've never even felt that kind of unconditional love out of my children; that kind of love that's sprouted from seeds planted by a hand with a deep understanding of the human condition, with all of its pains and glories; you don't need the cosmos when you're so in touch with the ragged soil of earth.

my son and daughter told me they hate me because i wouldn't buy them a ps5 and this was after i built a totally modern gaming rig and sprung for the best graphics card and a 4tb SSD that they refuse to fill up all the way because piracy is immoral. but they wanted to play the new persona, and i love them, so i bought them the ps5 and they haven't changed their attitude. now they want veja sneakers even though the new balance t500 has a sleeker silhouette, a timeless vintage style and costs $100 less.

i still think of getchen from time to time and how she had a better figure than my wife.

[–] laranis@lemmy.zip 4 points 7 hours ago

I hate that I couldn't get past BBC without getting stuck on whether the broadcaster was somehow involved or whether OP ponders their sister's appreciation for spade tatoos.

[–] dregan@lemmy.world 3 points 10 hours ago* (last edited 9 hours ago)

I can't say I'm thrilled about being murdered but the fellatio beforehand is some consolation I suppose. I wonder who the lucky one to be spared will be.

[–] OtakuAllTheWay@sh.itjust.works 18 points 17 hours ago* (last edited 17 hours ago)

As if Matt Walsh would save LGBTQ, non-Christians and people of color

[–] orca@orcas.enjoying.yachts 30 points 22 hours ago (1 children)

I’d punch one Matt Walsh in the face to save all humans from having to read this fucking drivel.

[–] D_C@sh.itjust.works 14 points 18 hours ago (2 children)

I don't believe you. Get cracking.

And remember, power comes from the hips. Not the fist. Wind up, let loose, and punch through the object.
Don't punch the face, try to punch the back of the skull, and beyond, but through the face.
Chop chop, daylight's a wasting.

[–] HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 3 points 7 hours ago* (last edited 7 hours ago)


you want a straight line from your foot through your hip through your fist through the back of their face. you're punching with your back foot too.

[–] Rekorse@sh.itjust.works 3 points 10 hours ago

Great lesson on follow-through.

[–] Grandwolf319@sh.itjust.works 93 points 1 day ago (13 children)

That’s factually false.

He can save a lot of humans every day by doing something humanitarian and does not.

The only logical inference is that his motivation is not saving humans but killing apes.

[–] OwOarchist@pawb.social 47 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Yep, lol.

Would you kill all apes to save one human? "Sure!"

Would you donate $500 to save one human? "Fuck no!"

[–] tomi000@lemmy.world 15 points 20 hours ago (1 children)

Logical conclusion: "rather kill all apes than donate 500$". Anyone with this mindset is a trash human being.

[–] Fedizen@lemmy.world 3 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

Maybe he just loves killing?

[–] tomi000@lemmy.world 4 points 9 hours ago (1 children)
[–] HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 3 points 7 hours ago (1 children)
[–] tomi000@lemmy.world 1 points 6 hours ago

Killing all humans probably does more good overall than saving one.

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[–] TheTechnician27@lemmy.world 107 points 1 day ago (14 children)

Humans are apes.

This is a very simple concept, folks.

[–] untorquer@quokk.au 3 points 14 hours ago

And he'll kill em all to save one.

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[–] 58008@lemmy.world 29 points 1 day ago (4 children)

I think the environmental knock-on effect of wiping out all gorillas might cause more than one human to die in the future, directly or indirectly.

Also, gorilla dicks are small and they cum pretty much instantly, so you could easily get through all gorillas on Earth in an afternoon. Matt Walsh might get it done in 20 minutes, what with his extensive experience of sucking huge amounts of dick on Twitter.

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[–] phoenixz@lemmy.ca 29 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Its always "I'm willing to kill for my pet peeve", its never "I'm willing to die without hurting anyone else for my pet peeve"

[–] bequirtle@lemmy.world 28 points 1 day ago (3 children)

always "i would kill for X" or "i would die for X" and never "i would commit to a modest but long-term effort for the betterment of X"

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[–] alexc@lemmy.world 63 points 1 day ago (3 children)

I'll wager he's also done sweet fuck all to save any human

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