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Thank you all in advance for any help/feedback you can give 
I am ready to escape the American century of humiliation.
All I know is that you will need a degree. Pretty much every province requires it now. A degree in anything, but a degree nonetheless. One of the reasons I can't get a job teaching in China.
Just FYI, English teachers have something of a bad reputation in China now. My friend told me it mainly stems from the male teachers often aggressively flirting with students etc, but also a lingering arrogance from the situation 10 years (or so) ago when the teachers were more heavily in-demand. Obviously I'm sure comrade would not fall under this umbrella, but it might be a bit of an uphill battle to socialize with people initially.
Need a degree, absolutely no criminal record, and an English teacher certification. You have to come from one of like 4 countries recognized as native English speakers, and beware of companies that try to scam you or get you in trouble by not following the law in hiring you, there are a lot of them.
Gigs are harder to get, because of the crackdown on after hours 补习班. You will most likely be teaching in kindergarten or primary. You will most likely have a contract that starts advertising really favourable hours (20 hour weeks, good pay, no office time) and if you stick around you'll be saddled with more hours without any increase in salary or seniority (allowing you to 'move up the ladder')
You will need to actively be looking for a better gig in your first year if you want to get out of teaching, because the inertia of relatively good pay and lifestyle inflation will be too hard of a hit when moving to a 40hr desk job (your paycheck will halve, you'll need to find a new rental especially if your school covers your accommodation partially or wholly)
Do not take up cash in hand tutoring jobs. You will be found out, and may face jail time. Do not commit crimes in China.