The Onion

(Washington DC) As ICE raids around the country terrorize citizens and non-citizens alike, House republicans have made a proposal for legislation which would make citizenship in the US a yearly subscription fee. President trump says he will sign the measure once passed.

“We already do it for gym memberships and our golf clubs, and people apparently rent houses… why shouldn’t we also pay yearly for rights like voting, and the greatest passport in the world,” said one republican who asked not to be identified for fear of a primary. Many republicans seem open to the idea, citing how little in taxes poor Americans pay each year. “We pay some of them money in entitlements, and yet they feel they have a right to decide if we’re elected. A yearly fee would help make sure that only the best Americans were voting.”

Democrats decry the measure. They cite birthright citizenship as the anchor issue of 2026, and vow that, once they lose the fight on this issue, subscription citizenship will be the next platform they work against.

Americans are mixed on the measure. While wealthier Americans quietly support the issue, those less fortunate worry how this will change the political landscape. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler and recently pardoned felon, said, “I just got back from the Middle East, and over there you definitely want to be one of the ones that can vote. I want to hear how much this yearly fee is, before I make my mind up about it.”