TIFU

Im open to anything, let her date and find someone I don't want to be in her way and I won't make it harder than it already is. I'd just disapear a while and if she needs me she can call. I'd always be there for her, even if she finds a new person and this person would break up with her I'd support her even if it wouldn't be my own child.

You say that you would support her even if it wasn't your child, what do you mean by this? You'd get back together and raise the child with her?

Why is that a possibility with someone else child but not your own?

I have a homework assignment for you.
I think before you make a decision like closing the door on parenthood forever you should have a full picture of what it involves.

Find a family. Someone with a 4-6 year old kid. One kid better than multiple. Explain the general situation. Say you want to spend a couple of weekends and part of a weekday with the family at their home to just acclimate to what being around kids is like.

Youll be able to see the full spectrum of parenting. The cute moments, the tantrums, the learning, the growth, what the parents have to do. Little visits only show a portion of that. A weekend will give the full picture.

I think you may be over focused on the initial couple of years of babyhood. A two or three year old is starting to be their own lil person. And at four on they are a full person with quirks and talents and everything. I can hang out with them, watch spongebob, go on hikes or go out to eat hamburgers or ice cream. It's great.
Of course, that's paired with responsibility and having to get them dressed and fed and cleaned every morning, but that's the trade.

I'll also say that parenting is a skill. You can be a shit parent of babies but a great parent of teenagers. Or your spouse can be great at one part and you pick up the slack on the other part. So don't feel like you have to be the super parent that can do everything.

I had my daughter at 40 for the same reasons you have right now. My only regret is that I didn't have kids earlier.

Kids are the most terrible decision you won't regret. It's a shit ton of work, stress, and anguish. And still worth it. It's also something that can't really be explained, you have to experience it.

With the information you have right now, I think you made the right choice to be honest with yourself and with her. I'm really sorry for both you and your wife. I hope you both find solutions that bring you happiness.

Everything around kids is paradoxical. Worried about whether having kids is a bad idea? You're probably better suited to parenthood than people who 'oopsie' out kids at random. Having kids is murder on your personal freedom, finances, relationships, and every parent I've ever met has hated their effect on their lives, but parents also say it's the best mistake they ever made, that they make all the pain feel like it means something. Kids are everything people hate about other adults, being noisy, willful, ignorant, unsocialized, entitled, demanding, and annoying, but lots of people still like them. They have to be protected from everything, but exposed to life to learn from it. They are the most precious things in the world, but so easy to make that the stupidest people in the world can have a dozen. People have them to have someone to care for them in their dotage but end up with a genetic 'Nat 1' that leaves them parenting someone who can never return the favor. People obsess over getting it right and leave lasting psychological trauma while others wing it and end up with well-adjusted adults. People are horrified at the thought of abandoning them, but end up staying and putting the kid in a home with someone who hates them for their mere existence. Is that better or worse? Is it any wonder no one can make sense of it that reaches past their own limited experience?

Well this certainly hits me hard. I had the opposite happen. I was with a woman who was very staunchly "no kids." And while we were dating, I was on the fence about having kids. All the reasons, they cost too much money, too much time, the environment is being destroyed, what kind of future will they have, I can hardly take care of myself, how can I take care of them?

So I told her, "I could go either way and be happy. Kids, no kids, no big deal." And that was true at the start of our relationship. But after a decade... Well before we got married I broke down one evening, real drunk, and told her that I really did want to have a child with her, and that if we couldn't have a child, then whenever we can afford it, I'd like to adopt. She told me she didn't want to have kids, but would consider adoption. we decided to put a pin in it, get married, and talk about it again later.

Well this time it was her turn to change her mind, because after being married 2 years we have the conversation again and this time the only kid she'd be willing to "adopt" would be a gay teenage run-away. Like if a family kicked a kid out of their house for being gay, she'd be willing to bring them in. And I'm just like... I pictured adopting a child, like a 4-6 year old at the most? So now it was big decision time, and I had to make one.

She didn't want to make me unhappy by us never having kids, and I didn't want to make her unhappy by forcing her to have them. So what did we do? Us, two people who loved each other unconditionally? We split up. And it was the hardest, most awful thing I've ever had to do.

I'm just now getting over the relationship enough to start dating again (just took me five fucking years), and now I feel like I may be too old to have kids! I'm 39 now, and I know guys can have kids anytime, but I want to be able to play with my kids, be present in their lives, be a fun dad. well at this rate I'll be mid 40's before I'm ever teaching a kid to ride a bike, and good god then I'll have to work until I'm dead just to make sure the kid has a chance at a happy life.

I just don't understand how people just "have" kids. Like, zero forethought, zero planning.

At this point, I think I should just find a cute single mom because I just don't feel like I have time anymore to build a family from scratch

I'll be honest with you; I usually have something to say in terms of advice of how to do better, how you might be the asshole, or moral considerations, but this time around, I've got nothing. You were honest, gave solutions that appear to work for your situation, and are honest enough with others around you that you maintain your moral obligations. Not really a ton you can do in said situation, but from what information is given you did your part. I appreciate your effort to not abdicate moral responsibility for personal comfort/desire.

The reason I'm leaving a comment is just to say that that really sucks, man. From what I understand, it's definitely not your fault. You've done right by what is in your control, and I think that's the thing that matters most. I hope things improve for you, but regardless of whether they do or don't, keep fighting the good fight.

Remember everyone, have big conversations about your future with your partners before getting married and deciding you want yo spend your lives together!

My advice? You both are fixed on different desires. If you really worry that she'll be devastated without a child, then it won't be too bad - give her the kid. Then, when ready, break up with her. If being together, her sacrificing motherhood or you sacrificing freedom, is more painful than being separated with what you both really want from this life, then a child, a divorce and two bittersweet but in the end happy adults is in my opinion the greatest outcome.

There's also the factor of bearing a child that might suffer under the rules of the mother - raising offspring should never be to appease the parent. It should be to selflessly provide for the child. But, in the end, nobody can easily foresee the child suffering.

Yet another factor is the realm she lives in - someone has to financially provide for her if she refuses. In some realms it costs a years' wages to raise an adult. In others it takes several years' worth with no state support. The former is possible, in the case that the mother doesn't find another mate. The latter may well be a capitalist death sentence. In which case, either do not offer a child, but still break up with her, or stay and raise one together.

Sacrifice has to happen in your case. But in my opinion, living a life of despair and regret for not having lived on your terms is the worst possible. Which brings me to factor 3 - you have let other people dictate your decisions, guide your way. The people I know that have done that have died in cults, become emotionally dead to their children, and led the majority of their life as the wrong gender or betrothed to the wrong gender.

You can take my guidance on how to live your life -- on your terms.. Then listen only to yourself.

It's never too late to change. The pain will come from leaving everything you built with her. But you both have a future. Together or not. Neither of you are condemned at 33.

Idk your wife or the full convo and how it went down but just want to say that the whole kids thing is a big one by itself.... but wtf got into you to tell her she can go date and you don't want to get in her way? Were you already in an open marriage? Have you ever talked about that before? Because if not then she might be freaking out about that too. Some people might interpret that as you wanting out of the marriage or not loving them enough. While open marriages can work, it's gotta be something you discuss and before something like this.

Your marriage isn't necessarily over though. The ball is going to be in her court and what she decides and wants. Having children together can mean different things to people and she might view it as part of your love for her (and why she only wants one with you), or maybe she views it as part of "being a woman". I have a close friend who is your wife's age and she just found out she can't have kids. My friend is mourning that part of her life. It's not exactly the same since her husband isnt childfree, but they are now deciding if they want to go adoption route or other alternatives. But it is still mourning. Women have so much ingrained into them by society about being a mother that it can be hard to suddenly not be able to have children. (But to be clear not being able to have kids doesn't make someone less of a woman).

If you love your wife then be there for her. Love her, and let her know you love her. Listen to her and really hear her when she wants to talk about this stuff. And let her decide what she needs. This really needed to be something you seriously thought about and had open dialogue before getting a house together or getting married. But having honest and open dialog now is the next best thing.

Id also consider some kind of couples therapy together, to help navigate this and to rebuild trust in you (intentional or not, you were dishonest to her on some level all these years).

The biggest risk to divorce is if both of you decide that this is a deal breaker. Your goal shouldn't be to convince your wife to be childfree-- that needs to be something she comes to decide and accept on her own. If she really wants kids and decides it's a deal breaker for her then yeah, you're going to have to have tough conversations about divorce and the house. If she decides to accept your stance then you're still not in the clear. You'll still have to figure out how to ensure she still has a meaningful life without kids. Maybe that means spending more time with her, taking interests in her hobbies, or getting a pet that you two can take care of.

Good luck.