TransLater

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A community for trans folk who transitioned or are transitioning later in life.

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I need advice and emotional support. (lemmy.world)

submitted 1 week ago by Berengaria_of_Navarre@lemmy.world to c/translater@lemmy.blahaj.zone

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I came out as trans to my partner a short while ago. She's bisexual and I figured she would probably be uncomfortable at first and then come around to the idea once I'd ironed out some of the details of how I planned to transition and gave her some time to acclimatise.

However, it turns out she's bisexual not biromantic and has additionally never found trans women attractive (despite having trans friends and at least two exs that came out as trans after the fact). When i told her what i want from medical transition she said that the thought of me changing anything about my appearance made her really sad and that she didn't think she would be able to find me attractive.

She likes my beard, body hair, voice, and overall shape. Precisely the things that are the biggest source of dysphoria for me. And while I don't have any genital related dysphoria, she's been reading about shrinkage due to estrogen and is 100% not ok with it. I'm not saying she's a size queen, but she wants it fully functional and at full capacity, I'm ok with giving her that if it were possible but it'd be more for her than me.

I know I really want to start hrt ASAP, but at the same time I can't deal with loosing her. We have a family together and she has helped me through some very difficult and dark times in my past. We are living thousands of km from our families and neither of us can afford to raise the kids on our own. I have no friends because of moving around a lot and family obligations. Aside for my love for her, I can't go through transition without an understanding adult in my life (IRL) who I can lean on when things get difficult.

She keeps saying that she wouldn't feel right trying to prevent me from doing it, but the thought of not being with her is crippling.

What do I do?

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[–] HuntressHimbo@lemmy.zip 6 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Sorry you're going through this, that's a really tough spot to find yourself in. There are no easy answers here, but maybe I can give you some other things here to think about.

First off, as far as raising your kids and parenting, I think that isn't something you need to be romantically involved for. You both love your kids (hopefully) and should both pitch in whether you're together or not. Its scary to be separated, but its something I think you could manage to still be there for your kids.

Second, I understand wanting to still be with her and not being able to imagine being without her, but will you really be happy not transitioning for her? I don't imagine it was easy coming to terms with wanting to transition. The desire needed there has to outweigh the fears involved, and I find it hard to imagine not resenting her for preventing you from pursuing your transition. How many years have you waited already? Do you want to wait more on someone else's account? For me, I think I would struggle to keep those emotions from attaching to her, and that would sour my relationship with her, so just make sure you consider whether staying with her is something that can lead to a healthy relationship while you don't transition.

If she is still friends with other exes who have transitioned after they dated, maybe you can maintain a similar friendship. If she can support you as a close confidant and child rearing partner, maybe you can live as your genuine self without losing that emotional support, even if it changes from romantic to platonic.

I wish you the best of luck. This is a difficult time for you, and I hope you find the answers you need. Your partner isn't wrong or bad for not feeling an attraction towards trans women necessarily, but it does sound like it makes your romantically incompatible. I hope either your partner makes some discoveries themselves that helps you stay compatible or that you find someone who is compatible with you

[–] Berengaria_of_Navarre@lemmy.world 4 points 1 week ago

No I get that I'd just keep being miserable if I don't transition. And my partner really wants to be ok with it and wants to be there for me but she's worried she'll loose attraction.

I know I'm probably going to end up starting at some point before summer. I'm just worried about it. We've been each others entire world for almost 2 decades. And neither of us really has other family. Her mother will probably die within the year and both my parents would probably disown me if I transition.

[–] Kayday@lemmy.world 4 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, that is really difficult. No one should have to choose between themselves and who they love.

Fwiw, penile shrinkage is mostly an issue since you don't get spontaneous erections anymore. However if you become erect often, you should see less / no shrinkage.

As you're probably aware, the first 3 or so months of HRT have no permanent changes. (fertility possibly, but the science isn't conclusive) If you start now like you want, that's another 3 months for you and your partner to talk things over. A person's mind can change a lot in that time.

My wife does not consider herself bi, but came to realize with time that she loves me as a person more than my body. (She hasn't labeled herself, but I think she may be demisexual) I will add that there was about 13 months between coming out to my wife, and starting HRT; she had time to be fully on board with that.

It sounds like she wants you to pursue treatment, but isn't thrilled about the implications. I know you implied she is heteromantic, but do you think that opening your relationship is a possible answer? (I have no experience with that, just asking)

Best of luck, I'm sure you will have some tough conversations ahead 🫂

[–] Berengaria_of_Navarre@lemmy.world 3 points 1 week ago

Fertility is one thing I definitely dont need anymore. I have plenty of children. It's more that she feels like she'd be loosing all the physical things she likes about me and getting a bunch of stuff she never asked for. It's not that we only have a physical relationship, but it is a very important aspect of our relationship and she feels like it's something she'd never be comfortable with loosing.

I'm not totally sure if opening the relationship would be helpful, seeing her type seems to be...eggs.

As far as shrinkage goes. I am unreasonably horny all the time and if I get 5% of the erections I do now it'd still be more than the average cis man. But then i have no idea what my hormone levels are now. Honestly I'd be prepared to slather it in t gel every day if it means keeping her but that'd likely slow down the effects of the estrogen.

But she also doesn't want me to look like a woman, even a hot woman. I want to be thick and curvy, but the very idea of me looking like anything other than a hairy lumberjack really upsets her.

I know she'll likely be supportive but it kills me to put her through something she's clearly not comfortable with.