No Stupid Questions

Conflict often arises because somebody is pissed off and nobody is listening. The first thing to do is listen and understand where they are coming from.

Tense situation is a karen yelling at one of my colleagues because her father's operation was postponed because I kid you not 4 doctors called in sick today. Rumor has it they're striking for better pay.

So, this "Karen" has a sick relative that she wants be helped, and nobody is helping. Sounds like she's got a fair reason to be agitated. Now you may not be able to do anything personally about it, but ignoring her makes the situation worse. Try listening and then explaining why you're unable to help, maybe pointing her in the direction of somebody who has responsibility.

The first thing is to listen, then show a little fucking empathy.

Your friend was feeling attacked, and you walking away made her feel abandoned and unsupported. She just wants to know that you have her back. Yes, standing beside her to help show a united front would do that some.

Usually to defuse a situation like that, I would try to understand what Karen was actually upset about, and let her know she's being heard (which is, ultimately, what she probably wants), but also let her know she's taking it out on someone who doesn't deserve it. Saying "calm down" is just going to piss her off. Saying "Hey, I understand you're upset, and I would be too, but the staff here has no ability to schedule your father for surgery when there aren't any doctors, and you're yelling at the wrong person" might.

My questions to you people with good social skills: does it really help to simply stay next to my colleague, letting her do the talking while I do nothing but looking at the karen in the eye?

Simple answer: Yes.

Bonus answer: If you do even more than that, just a little, you have made a friend, for serious.

Situations like this trigger my fight or flight response.

This trigger is your personal issue. I am sure the coworker also had to deal with their own personal issues.

Both contribute nothing to your question.

I would suggest breathing and taking time to respond if you need to respond at all. I'd also, genuinely (and I'm not trying to say anything about you here) try to check in with your internal monologue.

If you want to effectively resolve conflicts, you have to make people feel like you're listening to them even if you disagree, and even if you think they're inane or annoying or stupid. In my experience, to make people feel like you're hearing what they're saying and not just being dismissive (being dismissive absolutely will antagonise people), I have to make an effort to try to empathise, try to understand where they're coming from, and try to be charitable.

To me, just picking up on terms in your post like "Karen", and "snippy", it feels like you're dismissing this person - which I totally get. You're not going to resolve conflicts that way, if you're trying to resolve this particular conflict. It's not possible to resolve every conflict, and some people simply will not engage with your attempts to work things out and will shout you down and try to trample you, but if you want a resolution you have to be willing to try.

Aside from that, yeah, walking away from your colleague I can see them feeling a bit abandoned by that. It's not weird to just stand there quietly in support - in fact, some people may even feel threatened if you try to interject as it'll then be two against one, and that might escalate things.

Anyway, good that you're asking, and good luck! Remember, you're allowed to take time to respond. It's better for you to breathe and calm yourself if you feel nervous during conflict, rather than leaping to reply and listening to any kind of nervous, defensive reaction. Take time, slow down, and breathe. It's normal to feel nervous and uncomfortable and upset when facing conflict. ✌️

I start by evaluating whether it's 1) within my job responsibilities to be involved and 2) I feel personal obligation.

As you've described the situation, and also your personality with a strong avoidance of conflict, if I were in your shoes I might support my colleague by getting the person who is supposed to intervene. Maybe that's a manager or security if there's signs it might escalate to violence.

I'm not a bouncer, I'm not a security guard. I have no job obligation and no personal obligation to cut into a violent interaction. I can be more helpful by getting someone trained for and paid to deal with the situation.

If I'm the manager, I have more responsibility to intervene. If the person getting yelled at by the Karen is like, a family member or a close friend, I would be more likely to intervene. Work colleague does not invoke the same personal responsibility I feel towards friends and family. I would also not say this to my colleague in the way I've described in my paragraph.

That’s not defusing time. Karen is an entitle pos.