We meet our two fearless warriors at a crossroads, a day into the journey to cast the one ring into Mt. Doom.
Butthead: Uh-Huhuhuh, this sucks. I’m like bored and stuff.
Beavis: Yea! This sucks! Where are the chicks! I want chicks! Come on Butthead. Let’s go this way.
Frodo: Ah dearest friends, thank your for your willingness to scout the way for us on our journey. These are dangerous roads ahead out of the Shire and we will need you to let us know if danger awaits.
Butthead: Like yea, what he said and stuff huhuhuhuh.
A few minutes down the road, Beavis and Butthead encounter 9 riders dressed in all black robes, with rings.
Butthead: Hey Beavis, look, those dudes are cool!
Beavis: Yea, their rings are cool! Why did we get stuck with that lame one.
Butthead: that’s why we have to cast it into the fire. Because it’s lame.
Beavis: Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!
The Nazgûl, overhearing, walk up to the two of them. They raise their rings and shriek.
Butthead (surprised face): whoa!
Beavis: You guys must get chicks! Where can we find chicks?
The Nazgûl point and then ride off on the direction of Frodo. Our duo walks in the pointed direction.
— Several hours and miles later.
Butthead: weren’t we supposed to be, like doing something?
Beavis: Yeah! Find chicks.
Butthead: oh right.
They make their way to Moria. The door to Moria is open.
Butthead: Hold on Beavis, I need to drop the kids off at the pool.
A grunt followed by a few loud plops can be heard in the lake. Followed by a large gurgling gaseous sound. Butthead returns.
Beavis: That was fast. Dude, that stinks. Light a match.
Butthead: That wasn’t me. Beavis! Run!!!
The two run into Moria and slam the large door behind them.
——
Days have passed. The duo leaves Moria unscathed but obviously amped by all the jewelry they discover there. They walk out with large gold chain necklaces and crowns.
They walk out and see Isengard in the distance.
Beavis: I’m thirsty, is that the slushee place?
Butthead: Yeah, uh-huhuhuh, that’s the place. Come on Beavis, let’s go.
The two walk, chains swinging, encumbered by their load.
They make it to Isangard, where they meet the White Wizard, holding his staff in a horizontal position.
Beavis: Are you the slushee guy?
Saruman: Ah Beavis and Butthead. The palantir foretold of your arrival.
Saruman waves his staff and manifests some slushees.
Saruman: And here are your slushees.
The duo, wide eyed and mouth agape…”Whoa”
Butthead: Are you a god?
Saruman plays his sceptre like an air guitar and Smoke on the Water can be heard across the realm.
Saruman: I am indeed. And I can grant you a lifetime a slushees, but I have a favor to ask of you…
Some time later, the two, now wearing beer can hats mounted with slushees, depart from Isengard and venture off to Dol Guldor to meet the man in shadow. The words of Saruman echo in their minds. “I can control Sauron but only if you two meet with him.”
Beavis and Butthead: Huh huh uhuhuhuh.
Hours lead to days and days lead to more days. The two have become lost deep in the rock formations within the Mirkwood.
Butthead (sipping the bottom of his last slushee): Man, I’m bored. This really sucks! Hard! And I’m hungry, let’s go back to that slushee mart.
Beavis(hearing rustling above) Look butthead, a large nest! I bet it has eggs. Like, really large ones!
Butthead (in his matter of fact voice): Huevos Rancheros.
Beavis: Heh heh! I am cornholio! I need HUEVOS! Heh, yah ziggy, ziggyah!
And so Beavis quickly scrambles the rocks up towards the Eagles nest. He then promptly falls 20 feet, crunching his limbs along the way. Ow! Ah! Oof!
A bone sticks out from Beavis’s elbow. Blood spurts out. The two look at it and look at each other. “Cool.”
Butthead pokes a stick at it in amusement. “Ow! Quit it butthead, that hurts! I think I need a hospital”
After 45 minutes of this, Beavis, looking dizzy, falls over.
Butthead, now realizing the gravity of the situation, searches for help. He finds a giant Eagle now at his perch. He looks at it and goes into his calm voice trance.
“Come to butthead. Be one with Butthead”
The eagle responds. He lets Butthead onto his back and grasps the fallen Beavis with his claw.
“We ride to the slushee mart”
The Eagle flies them to Isengard, with other Eagles in tow.
They find Gandalf stranded at the top of the tower. Knowing the importance of the situation, the eagle grasps Gandalf in his other claw. The three land safely in a nearby meadow.
Gandalf mends Beavis’s wounds and he comes to.
Gandalf: Beavis and Butthead, defenders of the ring, friends of the Shire and all of middle earth, thank you. You are the heroes this world needs.
Butthead: Yea, we’re like heroes and stuff.
A giant eagle then takes a giant poop.
Beavis, Butthead and Gandalf pause their discussion. Beavis with his jaw open smile, both Butthead and Gandalf with a lip curled, top teeth showing, close eyed smile.
“Huh huh uh-huhuhuh, cool.”