disabled

Everyone supports "mental health" until they actually get called on to do it. I lived with nominally supportive housemates in college who would say "mental health is important! Believe in yourself!" Then when I started falling apart in my final year they got grossed out. They didn't want anything to do with me. Why invite the depressed person to anything? They're just gonna end up miserable. Talking about depression is gross and yucky, eww, uncomfortable, go to therapy, that's your fault. So they just ended up excluding me from everything they did because it was easier for them.

It sucks finding out that good people can be bad friends. Yes, it would have been uncomfortable and difficult for them to help me. It would have taken some work. But they turned out to be the kind of friends who only like you when you're fun and smiling.

Obviously my depression made things harder for them. It made things harder for everyone. That's why I needed their help, and they didn't give it to me

I actually hate being alive, being trapped in a physical body that's falling apart and literally rotten, painful, infested with infection, doesn't work, requires drugs to stay just barely alive, requires endless maintenance not to mention food, all of which takes time, effort and money. And for what? It's not like these issues are going to be solved, all that can be done is just try to keep on top of them as much as possible. You could probably be prosecuted for animal cruelty if you kept a pet alive in this condition, but a human must be forced to drag it out for as long as possible, for literally no reason whatsoever.

From the ages of about 18/19 to about 21/22 I went through a stage of sometimes having what I can only describe as intrusive visions, although they weren't unpleasant at all. I'd be doing something and suddenly I'd get an actual (maybe mental, I can't describe it exactly) vision of myself (from two perspectives at the same time, first person and third person) as a blonde Australian girl doing exactly the same thing in an alternate life. One time aged about 18 I was walking through a forest, I started jogging and suddenly my entire vision was taken over by this image of me as a blonde Australian girl running through a forest. It was accompanied by intense feelings that this was me in an alternate life. This other me was a total opposite version of myself, blonde where I'm dark, Australian where I'm British, and most of all she had the most positive, uplifted mood imaginable. (Even before my life became as bad as it is now I had depression and physical health issues and money and living situation problems so my mood wasn't brilliant). This Australian version of me was absolutely filled with hope and joy and love of life.

I had this experience several more times over the next few years. Aged around 20/21, I was with two friends, one was playing guitar and listening to it through headphones. He took the headphones off and gave them to another friend. As soon as this person put the headphones on I had another intense vision of us both as Australians, in a small private plane, about to take off. He was the pilot and was putting his pilot headphones on. Again I felt that sense of joy and love of life, we were clearly having great lives in this alternate reality.

It happened several other times, and after a few years it just stopped happening. I don't know whether it was a mental illness, a coping mechanism or what, I mean my life wasn't as bad then as it is now but it doesn't happen any more. It really felt like there was this parallel life out there somewhere, where I was the opposite of myself, living the opposite life where everything was brilliant. Sometimes I've wondered, if that version of me is actually real somewhere then maybe to balance the scales and pay for that great life I also have to live this life where everything is terrible and miserable and hopeless. Or maybe it's some cosmic learning experience, experiencing the best and the worst of life. Maybe it was just a coping mechanism to feel good for a few moments but then why don't I get it any more? I wish I could swap places and be that Australian.

Is anyone else annoyed by religious people, specifically christians, who assume you don’t believe because you resent that "God" put you in a wheelchair or gave you which ever disability you may have? No muthafucker I just don't accept you're inconsistent explanations for what happens to non-believers who never had a chance to "be saved"! I don't want to get all r/atheist on y'all so stop me if I do

The pharmacist heard my accent and switched to English. I have never been this owned.

Tiny human on public transport: :D

Tiny human having a meltdown on public transport: D:

I try so hard to be understood and it just doesn't work out :cri: like I know NTs get misunderstood too, idk. Its very frustrating running over and over what I'm going to say, what I'm hoping they'll say, and they just immediately misunderstand and I walk away with them not getting it at all. At least this latest thing was not terribly important but its frustrating regardless.

I think I am going to stop engaging with medical treatment, apart from taking my thyroxine. It doesn't help at all and just makes me worse. I've been wondering why I've been feeling so tired lately and falling asleep in the afternoons again, then i remembered the dumb endo lowered my thyroxine dose. She even threatened to lower it further at my next appointment. She gaslights me that this low dose isn't really making me tired. I've had enough of this shit. I mean, there is no good dose, the higher dose gives me awful side effects and so does the lower dose, this will never end, but I can't stand being this tired any more. From now on will take whatever dose of thyroxine I want and my migraine tablets and nothing else. If these new migraine tablets the neuro gives me don't work or have side effects and she refuses to prescribe me my acute ones then I will buy the accute ones online, even if I have to make a mutual aid post about it. Luckily I have stockpiled quite a few already from my previous prescriptions though. I am cancelling my next endo appointment, I've cancelled my upcoming two foot surgeries.

No more. No more appointments or drugs. The doctors and the meds don't help, the meds riddle me with side effects and the doctors gaslight me endlessly. I really just want to go to dignitas but I need to find the travel money and I don't have the energy to organise all this. But I really feel like I'm done with all this medical shit. I'll do the bare minimum to keep myself alive for now and absolutely no more. All appointments are being cancelled. I really only stuck most of them out this long to help with my benefit appeal, and if all the medical shit I've had done to me so far isn't enough to win it, then nothing will be. I have to provide an updated letter of medical support for my appeal and all the medical crap I've had so far will just have to be enough. Just too exhausted to continue with this nonsense.

It should always be around 15 c around me at all times. Its too hot.

I forgot to pack a lunch and im trapped at campus because of a weather warning. This is entirely my fault and I'm still mad.

Might have a herniated disc and can't move without pain. I'll be on the floor if you need me.

im tired of constantly feeling like im pathetic for not being able to do as much as i did before. as though "as much as i did before" didn't lead to really bad burn out that stopped me from being able to function

maybe i will actually try to do nothing WITHOUT feeling guilty this week

As a white atheist who can handle stairs is it my place to point out that the prayer room only being accessible by stairs is odd. I wouldn't care except the priest is handicap accessible.

Also its weird that basically every public institution in this country has a staff priest.

Ive made spaghetti and I'm going to eat it outside on a bench in the shade with a pitcher of ice water while listening to some kinda music with a violin in it I've decided.

My therapist says I have to take a mental health day on Friday. The nerve of that woman...

But yeah I'm on the verge of mental collapse so it's probably for the better. Thinking about just marathoning Mad Max or something.

Hey, sorry I disappeared a bit. I'd ask how it's goin, but it doesn't look like the answer is "fantabulous." Shit's fucked, I'm sorry folks.

I think I may have ADHD but talking about it with therapist hasn't been much help. Rehash of focus harder , do more exercise, check your diet . paying attention and not stimming for even a minute is hard even with those changes.

Hugs for everyone who wants them, I love you all

I haven't been too active here the past few days as I haven't been feeling great. The pins and needles/tingling spread to my face, maybe it's a migraine? No idea. One of the surgical wounds on my feet is infected and I can't get medical help. I tried to get a doctor's appointment yesterday, the receptionist said a doctor would phone me, I waited all day but they didn't. So I asked the pharmacist to prescribe me antibiotics but he said he can't do that because he's a locum and I have to wait for the regular pharmacist to come back. As I am waiting for the car repair I can't travel any further (the GP/pharmacy is about 10 houses down from me so I can get there without a car, although even that is difficult right now with my foot issues) so I am not going to the hospital for this - I don't want to sit there for 10 hours waiting to be seen anyway. So I've put an iodine patch on it and I'm hoping that will get rid of the infection. Normally I prefer not to use antibiotics for infected surgical wounds and prefer to use iodine patches instead but the iodine doesn't seem to be working quite as well this time.

The neurologist gave me a follow-up phone appointment about my migraines and has pressured me into accepting a new migraine preventative drug. The big problem with this is, it's not safe to take an acute treatment with it. So if the preventative doesn't work and I get a terrible migraine, am I supposed to just grin and bear it? And I mentioned my pins and needles, as it could be neurological, and asked for an appointment to get checked out and she said she doesn't deal with other neurological issues, she only deals with migraines! What the hell? I thought if you're a neurologist you deal with all neurological issues but apparently not. She said if I want a neurologist to check me out for this I have to ask the GP to refer me and be on a waiting list for about a year. Not to mention how difficult it is to even get a GP appointment now. It is just so difficult and exhausting trying to access medical treatment these days.

And due to the foot/leg issues my further foot surgery is going to be postponed. I don't know how long for. At least the previous surgeries got rid of most of the problem, what remains will have to be treated with topical treatments.

Oh UK, just hurry up and legalise assisted suicide already.

I'm going through it, but I'm trying my best.

I can't always be me, I hope people understand.

On top of everything else that's going on, I seem to have caught a cold/cough/sore throat. I want uppies

I moved!!!! I was in a pretty bad rut for a while, and I haven't seen any doctors for anything for 4.5 years but I signed up for a local clinic, dentist, and psychiatrist all at once this week! I hope It feels like I'm free-falling by trusting anyone but myself with my mental health, but hopefully it wont blow up in my face this time around.

a frog living in a polluted pond doesn't need a meal in olive garden.

leg pain has been pretty bad lately aggravated by the weather so i'm stuck using my cane more than i've had to in almost a year :') also having to deal with a lot of brain fog from my mental health medication and it makes me feel like i can't type a coherent sentence so there's that too. we push through i guess

People are already starting to study up for next semester. It starts in the beginning of september/very end of August. I am one of the late starters of the nerds because I am just starting myself.

I unlocked this new mini game with my brain where I take medicine to try to sleep and my brain keeps me up anyway. Last two nights I've hardly gotten any sleep. I usually have trouble sleeping, but melatonin usually gets the job done. I hope this is a fluke and not a trend, though.

As a fellow disabled person, transfem YouTuber Rain, the Radical Dame, is working on the clock despite getting tired usually. I just had to help her get some rest if she feels tired.

The weather is apparently bad enough that a bunch of busses got csncelled, and i thought that included mine. Turns out it didn't. Woo.