I struggled with behavior very similar to yours, especially during a stressful time in my twenties.

"so me raising my voice or just exasperatedly saying "fuck", not at him, but at the thing, is really upsetting to him. I don't see the big deal because my mother is a fucking cyclone of screaming and chaos so I'm very tame in comparison."

I've said this exact thing, goodness.

Well here's the thing, even if you're not yelling at anyone in particular, being in the presence of someone yelling into the void, even from frustration, comes off aggressive and can be scary to a bystander regardless of intention. It took me far too long to figure this out. I really mean it, if you were in a room with someone slamming shit and screaming fuck loudly, would you feel comfortable? A lot of growth happened when I realized I was affecting the people around me negatively despite it not being directed at them. ..Too damn long to learn this..

I think back to these similar outbusts and think, I was crying for help. In those moments, I felt so overwhelmed and frustrated I just wanted help. For me, that's what I was trying to communicate. Showing frustration in the most raw form freaks most people out.

If your goal is communicate for support, find words to do so.

Can't find the words until you deal with the blood rage from irritation. Still to this day when I'm feeling like this, the easiest thing I have found is to remove myself from my immediate environment and right away.

For simple example, come home with the groceries, realize something has gone wrong, you got the wrong item. It always feels so catastrophic doesn't it? Put the wrong item from the store on the counter and head to an outdoor space. Just don't do anything but get yourself to a physical, literal, happy place you've chosen. I like my porch and my back yard. But any place thats objectively different from where you currently stand. If you're outside, go inside, or vice versa I will straight up put myself in time out, but somewhere that will feel clam.

The idea is to engage your logical brain over your emotional.

Environmental change is the easiest way to do this I find. Meltdowns are tough to navigate because they feel right. Idk, today I can sense it coming and just do this. I leave all screens behind and find someplace with solace. Birdwatching for ten minutes will do the trick for me. Maybe listen to a certain playlist. But the goal is to engage the logical mind, and lower your blood pressure from exploding. Sometimes this practice only turns the rage to sad. But sad doesnt scare my people, disregulated overstimulation does.

Idk I'm no professional, I too still go to therapy weekly. It's tough out there.

I wish I could have learned to manage this when I was younger, but alas, maybe It could help you

Best of luck out there, I apologize I word vomitted here a bit, excuse me

I have a watch that has a completely smooth seconds hand sweep like some of those big wall clocks used to do and I stare at it until I feel like moving onto my next task.

Basically anything to distract yourself for a moment to stop the cycle of anger buildup. I like shiny things, but it could be whatever you like!

I've been in the group your partner has been, though less normal/healthy family and more my parents swearing would mean immediate danger. It's good you recognize it's something you need to try to control. I know masking things like that is really hard, but it's good for the safety of those around you. My ex partner had a similar habit and absolutely refused to do anything about it and then would get mad at me for having a trauma response to it lol

Anyway, it kinda sounds to me like you just need to find a different outlet for the pressure release? The easiest thing might just be switching the words to not a curse? That might be the easiest, but personally I find journaling the most helpful for dealing with meltdowns. Just complain to my silly little book about how much I hate everything.

I go to therapy and my therapist sucks so thats not helpful right now

my therapist barely knows anything about autism. said she'd learn, didn't, can't switch bc it costs money to

I get this a lot, too. I've been known to say "fuck" really loud at whatever set me off, and sometimes I have to take some aggression out on my pillow or slam my fists into the mattress if I'm really distressed. If it's a person or someone is around to witness it I just apologize and say I'm angry/frustrated but not with them and that I need a minute to regulate/ step away, then I kinda dissociate while my emotions untangle themselves. Sometimes that ends up as empty crying in a dark room, or laying down on the floor actively breathing for a few minutes. Then I somehow get up and keep going about things on autopilot... I think life obligations act like bumper rails that push me along even when I think I can't go on. Pet needs to be cared for, food needs to be made, something will always need my attention, so I guess I switch gears to move away from the Thing until I can deal with it again. Giving yourself just a few moments to feel everything might make a difference. Idk if any of this is helpful, but you're not alone in the struggle and I'm sorry things are so difficult. If you're able, just make sure to give yourself space and maybe a little grace as you work through these moments. I think the term for this is pacing, but for the ND side of things. If you're comfortable with touch in these moments, a really tight hug usually breaks the anger and takes some of the weight off, at least for me. Hope you can find some relief.

i hit my pillow. and when i don't have a pillow, i hit my leg. better than the head