this post was submitted on 19 Apr 2025
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Dank Christian Memes

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A place for the finest of dank christian memes to simmer.

This community isn't inherently religious, but don't be an ass to religious people. There's a fine line between poking fun at religion and being an ass to someone because of (or lack of) religious beliefs. Don't cross that line.

Other than that, just follow the lemmy.blahaj.zone instance rules.

If this flag offends you, I'll help you pack:

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[–] JoMiran@lemmy.ml 62 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I mean not just a weekend, a HOLIDAY WEEKEND. He totally missed out on easter weekend.

[–] RagingRobot@lemmy.world 17 points 3 months ago (1 children)

He was back in time for the egg hunt. Wait a second, where was he when the Easter Bunny was here?!?

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[–] lath@lemmy.world 45 points 3 months ago (9 children)

Dude come on. He went to hell, freed some sinners, forgave everyone's original sin... It was a busy weekend.

[–] zero_spelled_with_an_ecks@programming.dev 13 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Yeah, but he's got like three parts, one of which lost the keys, one of which had to die to find the keys for a gate that shouldn't have been locked in the first place, and the holy Ghost (I don't remember what that one does. Booo?)

[–] prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (3 children)

And that's before you step back and wonder why an all-powerful, all-knowing, and (supposedly) all-loving god would create such a stupidly convoluted requirement to "save" the humanity that he created and put in the position in the first place.

Straight up nonsense. So many plot holes, it's not even a good story.

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[–] Diplomjodler3@lemmy.world 4 points 3 months ago

Mysterious ways, my friend, mysterious ways.

[–] Whats_your_reasoning@lemmy.world 10 points 2 months ago (1 children)

That's right. Jesus went to Hell and suffered for our sins.

Which is why we all have to do our part and commit sins. Otherwise, Jesus will have suffered for nothing. 😢

[–] lath@lemmy.world 5 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (1 children)

No problem on that front. Just being alive is a sin unless we get babtized by the church, or so it says.

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[–] prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 2 months ago (2 children)

Yeah, all of this was necessary too because... His dad set it up that way?

[–] exasperation@lemm.ee 4 points 2 months ago

He is his own dad, because he did do the nasty in the pasty.

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[–] hsr@lemmy.dbzer0.com 25 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (3 children)

You know who stayed dead? Judas Iscariot. Apparently he's suffering in hell for eternity too, unlike Jesus who only had a bad weekend. Judas' story is infinitely more tragic, even if you assume he betrayed Jesus out of his own free will, but the gospels suggest he was just a pawn in some sick cosmic game.

[–] trolololol@lemmy.world 20 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Whoa there, God made that happen, no point in pinning it on Judas. It was all planned.

So unfair that Judas get all that heat from following someone else's plan. Then Satan gets the fame.

[–] OrganicMustard@lemmy.world 6 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Maybe Judas was the Christ all along

[–] FooBarrington@lemmy.world 5 points 2 months ago

Maybe the real Judas was the friends we made along the way

From now on, the only priest I'm listening to is Judas Priest

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[–] CallateCoyote@lemmy.world 21 points 2 months ago

“Oh shit. They killed the prophet. Now what?”

“We’ll say he came back to life!”

“Brilliant! But… uhh… then what do we say when people ask where he is?”

“Ohhhh. Uhhhh… he came back to life, but then he like ascended to heaven. Couldn’t stick around. Sorry, mate, he isn’t here.”

“Well, they’ve believed all of this other stupid shit up until this point, so let’s give it a try.”

[–] Darkassassin07@lemmy.ca 18 points 3 months ago (2 children)

"You were bad, so Jesus took a nap. Now god forgives you"

Huuuh? I need more wine for this crap...

[–] Imgonnatrythis@sh.itjust.works 16 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Just ask the giant bunny that delivers unfertilized eggs from chickens in remembrance of this to explain it to you.

[–] LinkOpensChest_wav@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Upvoted for mentioning they're unfertilized. As someone who grew up working on farms, it always surprises me how many people think the eggs they buy in the store are all potential chickens.

[–] exasperation@lemm.ee 5 points 2 months ago

People think we're eating chicken abortions but really we're eating chicken periods.

[–] Sconrad122@lemmy.world 5 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Who among us hasn't taken a day off work to come back and find that your coworkers ate the fruit you left in the communal fridge, and then subsequently condemned your coworkers and all of their descendants to eternal suffering, then felt bad later and changed your mind, pretending your son died for a couple days to drum up sympathy and distract from your overreaction?

[–] prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

The fruit wasn't just left in the fridge. You told your coworkers about it, and how eating it would literally allow you, for the first time, to tell the difference between good and evil. Implying that you could not have known whether eating it was the right or wrong thing to do in the first place.

Also, somehow it's a bad thing to eat it and learn that?

[–] AlternatePersonMan@lemmy.world 16 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Yeah... But I don't wanna get nailed to a cross. Even if it is just for a day or two. That sounds no bueno.

[–] OrganicMustard@lemmy.world 6 points 2 months ago

I prefer getting nailed on a bed

[–] GraniteM@lemmy.world 3 points 2 months ago

Crucifixion was an exceptionally awful way to die. It could take days. The Roman soldiers were required to stay until the victim was dead, so sometimes they would stab them or build fires at the base of the cross to hurry the process along. The mere act of being crucified, even if you assumed the subject didn't stay dead, represents an incredible act of dedication.

[–] WoodScientist@sh.itjust.works 12 points 2 months ago (2 children)

Canonically, like, actual canon canonically, he didn't even give up his weekend. He went up to chill in Heaven for awhile, with a side trip to Limbo to rescue the Old Testament prophets and some other old dead guys. He didn't give up his weekend; he went on vacation.

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[–] bdonvr@thelemmy.club 10 points 3 months ago (1 children)

He had a pretty killer Friday though to be fair

[–] WeirdGoesPro@lemmy.dbzer0.com 14 points 3 months ago (1 children)
[–] Caffeinated_Sloth@lemmy.world 7 points 3 months ago

Make Friday Great Again

[–] Hudell@lemmy.dbzer0.com 8 points 3 months ago (1 children)

It's like in anime when the characters use some "forbidden technique" that steals 10 years of their life span, then the anime ends with the character still growing old well enough.

[–] Obi@sopuli.xyz 6 points 3 months ago

"anime old" is like 150 years old or whatever, so 10 years off that don't change much...

[–] Formfiller@lemmy.world 7 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Ok I’m confused how did he die the second time?

[–] rational_lib@lemmy.world 24 points 3 months ago (7 children)

The bible just says he "was taken up into heaven", not saying how and suspiciously using passive voice. So aliens.

[–] Zirconium@lemmy.world 8 points 3 months ago (1 children)
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[–] Formfiller@lemmy.world 4 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

Ok cool so the aliens are going to drop him back off again and he’s going to take all these moron evangelical people with him back to the Death Star or whatever. I hope

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[–] RagingRobot@lemmy.world 12 points 3 months ago

He didn't. he's just lost. That's why everyone tries to find him

[–] chiliedogg@lemmy.world 7 points 2 months ago (2 children)

To be fair, it's not supposed to be Jesus's sacrifice in Christianity, but humanity's. Instead of having to sacrifice a chicken or a lamb for every occasion, God's physical presence on earth was sacrificed as payment for all sins forever.

[–] phar@lemmy.ml 9 points 2 months ago (1 children)

But like the picture says he came back after 3 days so the whole thing was pointless. More pointless than the general pointlessness of a god making a human version of himself to kill to open the doors to a heaven or hell that he could have done at any time for any reason himself and also knew it was coming. It's seriously the dumbest story in the entire world

[–] chiliedogg@lemmy.world 6 points 2 months ago

He came back for a few days, then left forever.

The "sacrifice" is that he didn't stick around forever.

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[–] P4ulin_Kbana@lemmy.eco.br 6 points 3 months ago

Just found this community, and I have read thr sidebar. Thank you moderators for being rational and setting off limits! Have a happy easter, you all! ❤️

[–] humanspiral@lemmy.ca 4 points 2 months ago (2 children)

If dying for our sins was the master plan, wouldn't he have volunteered for crucifixion?

He did kinda convict himself according to the Bible. I dread doing things that require social interaction even if I know they're good for myself and others, so I can imagine being crucified in front of his haters wasn't exactly something he looked forward to on a human level.

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[–] slappypantsgo@lemm.ee 3 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Wait, do Christians actually understand this?

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