Thanks for the kind words/wishes yesterday, and low for reaching out

I just want to clarify in case I've sent the weekly message, I'm okay. Well I'm about 30% okay, but I'll get through it.

I left because over the last few months I've really just felt like a burden pretty much any time I say anything. It's not entirely because of what I say, but I think more often because I realise that everyone else, whether here or not, has much larger issues, while I'm off complaining about minor things in approximately 7,000 worse per comment. I tried to fix that by cutting down on what I say, how often I'm here, and by trying to help other people when I could, or otherwise try and be openly empathetic (I used to hold off because I thought that "aw I'm sorry such and such is happening to you. Hope it stops happening soon!" sounded too much like a hollow statement, despite finding it very helpful when people would reply to my troubles similarly). But usually I ended up figuring out a way to make it about me, which was pretty awful of me, and I almost deleted my account a few weeks ago when I realised. But I took a little break instead

The break doesn't seem to have helped, I think I'm just genuinely shit at anything that's not a 1 sided dialogue. I hate that, and to be honest, kind of despise myself for it. Probably a side effect of not having many friends when I was younger so not developing proper social skills, and being in care for so long, where everything very much is one sided and hollow. But in any case, it's a deficit that I realise I have, and can't seem to be able to fix. But I think because of that, I'm not a very good person to interact with, so until I do work it out, I just don't think I do anyone any good being around here

But I do sincerely appreciate the help and advice everybody here had given me. You are all amazing people, and I'm sorry for the troubles I've caused

I'll be back one day, but I don't think I should come back until I know I can do better. I actually think that may come naturally once I move out and into an environment more conducive to good mental helath

✌️

I'm down for the count. Holy fuck I forgot how much it hurts.

I'm messaging the place and locking in a slot for the next open mic which is in 2 weeks.

Morning all. Baku is still active on Reddit so I have forwarded him the post from yesterday with your messages :)

Morning all! Thought I'd update you on my lifely happenings. Elder Minipeeler has started at his new school and it's been great so far! The first morning he really tried to get out of it and I had to chase after him a couple of times because he was so strongly reluctant to go in. But the boy who greeted me at the train station in the afternoon was a different person; relaxed, relieved, happy and even a little confident. He's chosen Fitness as his elective subject for the term, which is a huge departure for a kid who's not really into sports etc, which shows me he's interested in improving himself. He's kicking goals and I'm so proud 🥲

Now Miniest is having issues with school 🤦🏻‍♀️As well as getting a sniffle the first 2 days back, she's been getting headaches from the rowdy noisy class she's in. There's a cohort of disruptive boys in the class who are in grade 6 (it's a 5/6 mixed class) so the school has no motivation to deal with it as they'll be gone soon. The teacher is really lovely but seems to have no authority or method of dealing with it (seems new to the job). I feel like he needs to show some assertiveness and calm strong leadership and "grow a pair", or 12 year olds will take full advantage of the lack of repercussions. I can see some parent - teacher/school communication in my 🔮

Been a day of painful, chesty coughing. Luckily not as bad as the previous time, hoping this bloody clears up soon. No fever or chills so far thankfully. Regular codral seems to be helping (even though it's not the good shit).

Soxcat has been very affectionate today, sat on my lap for hours and was in my face quite a bit. I'm so grateful to have her company during these trying times.

tax

Nurse Gibson is keeping a close eye on me.

Edit: I'm going to be extravagant and get take out for dinner. Usually it's a pay day treat but fuck it.

my throat does not like any of this

e: but the cold is good for attracting cats

Just wanted to say thankd to everyone for all the good vibes about me doing a gig. It's made a real difference ❤️

Edit: new gig booked. 8:30pm 17th October. Will drop a message in here the day before if anyone wants to come along :)

I was looking at an old photo from a scrapbook I found and I was trying to see something a bit clearer and started to do that two finger zoom in thing you do on digital photos...technology really has changed things.

Time to respawn the gratitude thread?

Yesterday I spoke to someone at uni and had a good chat. I have sat with her and a few other people in class, but I keep forgetting to ask for their names. Seeing as next week is the last class, I might ask if we can all keep in touch considering most of us would be graduating. Or I can never see them again hehe

Ah, a sign of the times that the Tenants Victoria call line goes straight to "we are experiencing a higher than usual call volume and cannot help you" right after pressing the numbers to get assistance as a private renter. Guess I'll have to spam call over and over

E: managed to get through to a really lovely lady, unfortunately it's really unclear as to whether VCAT would consider that "market rates" include REA fees de jure (even though they very much do de facto). But it's worth trying to appeal anyway, I guess. Gotta do what I can 🤷

E2: appeal lodged. I'm really not confident I'll get a rent reduction but ah well. Not fussed about souring the relationship with LL when they were the ones who pulled the dick move anyway. I don't want to move and be locked into a year long contract when I'll leave by June. Might look at slowly getting rid of my stuff (and plants...) in the new year and see if I can go stay with a friend or extended family member for cheap in the last couple months and leave this place earlier, if possible.

Migraine. Will have to see if I need to raincheck tomorrow night. Fucks sake.

It’s my day off. How nice.

I will now be conducting an experiment on the relative merits of peanut butter and banana toast vs honey butter and banana toast. Please stand by for data

Gas company: We need to do a physical reading this time because previously we heard a dog barking from inside your house so was unable to so please leave your gate unlocked for 5 consecutive days from 8am - 5pm even though your dog knows that it's unlocked and thus wants to spend his entire day outside barking at shadows and basking in the little bit of sunshine that this wonderful city provides. We may turn up. We may not because you will never know until you receive our bill. Thank you.

Morning

I’m wearing a cat on my face. Guess it’s cold this morning.

wooo trench base level defined and area cleared.

now to dig the trenches. seven in total, a long central with four branches that slope down into it until the bottom of the run where it intersects with a 90 degree length that goes to the exit. Trenching time. Time to trench.

...

dont' wanna.

Headache has lifted finally.

Goodnight everyone ❤️

I’m alive!!!

Need peanut butter toast and coffee….

🧟‍♂️

Watsonias punching it!

Dosed them up with a lot of potassium a few weeks ago and with the watering system in (which I'm so very glad I did that, has taken a lot of stress out of things) they're loving it.

damn, I think I've just about got christmas done already. Fuck me.

I tend to be habitually early anyway as I've been paid monthly since 2012 and try and lock it in bar handcrafted gifts by end of november but this time I have outdone myself. woop woop.

update: I have trenched. Somewhat. I have done enough for the dude to come with his little bore and punch through the cement wall at the correct depth, and along the length of that line there is clear difference in soil levels within and without the marker string.

I am claiming that there's no point going further until the hole is punched because I can't lay the agi until there's an outlet

Done: Tomato tart in both GF and standard, bacon quiche in normal plus onion free. Another round of washing up then I do both versions of spinach. Cake tomorrow. Decorating, last shop, and meat marinading Friday. This is exhausting.

Oh bag o’ cans Oh bag o’ cans You bring me shiny money 🎶

Breakfast is a touch late, but porridge has now been acquired. Cooked with banana and coconut mixed through, served with yoghurt and drizzled with honey.

It’s endless mowing season…..

Just back from doing an hour or so of active cardio so to speak.

I’m pooped!

Time for some rest now and some dinner a little bit later.

Resting in bed today and watching movies, got a sore back to heal

the fucks tank have run empty so instead of bringing food to work i’ll buy something