Trans

Last night I dreamed I was a kid, and instead of hiding and building a masc, I was demanding to be myself. Little dream me was so sure of herself, so ready to fight everyone who would tell her she couldn’t be who she really was. I could use her energy right now, and her willingness to fight for herself.

Speaking from experience, this isn't how being a trans kid works. I wish it was. The trans kid experience is more like this: you have absolutely no control over your body or your life, you have no money, no experience, and nowhere to go. All that energy gets sucked out of you as you realize there is absolutely nothing you can do as dysphoria eats you alive. If you don't have support from your family you are completely screwed until you become an adult. This isn't to say transitioning early in life isn't great, but to say that it's not all sunshine and rainbows. Becoming an adult morphs these things into problems you can actually control (at least somewhat).

I'm not a Christian but I go to church and have for a while. I recently came out to my church as well. It was a long time coming and I built up to that moment by transitioning in every other way that I could so that it wouldn't be as much of a surprise. My pastor was supportive from the moment that I came out. I sent out a coming out letter to the whole church and got a lot of support. For reference, I live in the rural deep south. My church is a united Methodist church.

I highly recommend that you look around for different churches if this one isn't fitting or you don't feel accepted. Just go to a different one for a Sunday or two and see how the vibe is and how it makes you feel. I have heard that Episcopalians, united Methodists, united church of Christ, and Lutherans are affirming, but a lot of times it will depend on each individual church to what degree.

Another option is to visit a Unitarian Universalist church. Although it is not an explicitly christian church, they are welcoming of Christians and it's kind of a "everyone has their own religious beliefs but we all believe in kindness, helping others, and respect towards each other" deal. They are explicitly affirming and one of the most progressive churches.

Also, if money allows please consider getting couple's therapy with your wife. There are plenty of faith based and non faith based ones out there who can help y'all work through things.

I feel this. Just as I was beginning to more fully transition among my friends, things like name and presentation, a wedding came up in my family, so now working on getting better with some of my stuff has just been put on hold.

And so I don’t ask people to call me Amber, she/her, because I don’t feel like I deserve it. Once I’m over there, then I’ll ask. Once I malefail.

I do the same, and it is corroding me very significantly.

Well done! It's a scary and difficult position you are in, but you are handling it bravely and making what seems to me like huge sacrifices to accommodate the difficult feelings others are having. I can really relate to that.

I am so sorry your community and wife are not more supportive, no trans person should be forced to debate theology with their pastor or having long talks with friends calming fears about their transition.

I feel like you put words to some of my feelings - I also feel exhausted by being trans sometimes, and I wish I could "stop being trans" the same way you feel. Usually when that is going on, I try to pull back on some of the pressure I put on myself to try to pass or feminize. Avoiding mirrors, not shaving, not changing my voice, etc. It's difficult because then the dysphoria is worse and I don't necessarily feel better, but it can put off the obsessing perfectionism that I find so exhausting for when I am able to better handle it.

And so I don’t ask people to call me Amber, she/her, because I don’t feel like I deserve it.

This feels like a major red flag to me. Do you have a trans-affirming therapist you could work with? Do you feel anyone else has to earn their right to their pronouns or name?

It strikes me that you are making false promises to everyone, that you can continue to be the man-shaped person they see but that you are not. I understand that feeling, I was desperate to stay in the closet rather than come out because I didn't want to burden people, make people feel uncomfortable, etc. Asking any one to refer to me with a new name or pronouns was too much, I felt selfish and ashamed. But it's not too much to ask someone to call you by your name or pronouns, and I don't feel it is too much when other trans people ask me to do that for them. Nobody has to "earn" the right to have their name. And it was a mistake when I told some conservative Christian family members they didn't have to update how they referred to me when I first came out, because they felt entitled to that and it was harder to set that boundary later when it became increasingly more painful and difficult to handle being referred to with my deadname and the wrong pronouns.

It strikes me you are putting the illegitimate feelings of others before your actual needs, which is not a compassionate or kind way to treat yourself. If you treated someone else that way, we would think you were acting monstrously, no?

Insisting on maintaining all my relationships and support network is holding me back. My wife working her way through her own theology and gender issues is holding me back. And I can’t lose those, so I limp along, dragging the shattered remains of my masc alongside me.

Besides therapy for the gender dysphoria, have you considered finding a therapist that specializes in religious trauma? I think that would be appropriate at this point. You can be a Christian and be trans, of course, but not all Christians are trans-affirming and it sounds like that is something you are having to navigate right now (being in a community and family that is not trans-affirming for religious reasons). Having a therapist who knows how to help with religious trauma could be valuable, just a thought.

I second cowboycrustation's suggestion that you consider finding a more accepting Christian community, even if it doesn't have to replace your current community, you could find helpful resources there.

I wish you luck Amber - stay strong, you are deserving of love and like anyone else you deserve to be who you are. ❤️