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this post was submitted on 24 Apr 2024
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Lemmy Be Wholesome
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I used to work with two guys I called "Tall Todd" and "Tall Paul". Both were really smart and part of our IT department. Both in shape-ish, skinny, very tall.
Paul was conventionally hot - his side job was modeling, he made money at it and I did once unexpectedly see him on a national advertisement. Hot, you understand? He was nice, friendly, I wasn't attracted to him but could see he was physically really good looking, and was outgoing and pleasant, creative guy, good Halloween costumes.
Tall Todd wasn't good looking like that, and had the additional baggage of being named Todd, but had this way of existing in the world that was just so comfortable and made you feel comfortable. I think when people say confidence this is what they mean - not cockiness but this self acceptance. He was just so attractive without being physically attractive - he wasn't ugly exactly but unremarkable in looks. But goodness he was attractive in real life. Magnetic.
I do not know how people get that sort of confidence but it's not by being really good looking.
Being tall is like 75% of being physically attractive according to most surveys.
If you’re over 6’ the “how tall are you” is either the first or second question on every date along with “what do you do for work”
It’s kinda sad how predictable we can be as animals
It's interesting how bad I'm getting downvoted...
It is acceptable to say rich people, white people, men have a natural advantage.
But saying pretty people also have an advantage is horrible...
Lol
Being rich is not natural. And it's a red flag because you don't get rich without being an asshole.
I had a friend in college like Todd. Weird looking dude, but every time you talked to him you just felt good. He was fun to talk to and interesting but a good listener too. You were just happy to have spent time talking to him. Now I’m not into guys so I can’t say subjectively if that made him attractive, but based on what I’d heard he had all the men and women he wanted throwing themselves at him, and I believe it.
And for the people saying your friend was leaning on height, this guy was about the height of the average woman and hung out with a lady over 6’
They were tall, and I'm not disputing the whole "attractive people are more attractive" idea. I don't think that comfortable - confidence vibe comes from looks, you can be good looking and very insecure about your looks, uncomfortable because everyone is looking at you, and I'm sure Tall Paul was comfortable enough with his looks to make money off them but didn't have it.
People absolutely get that kind of confidence by being really good looking...
What you found was an outlier, a unicorn. It happens but that in no way changes reality.
You can also get that kind of confidence by not worrying about where you fall on the attractiveness scale. I like to think I'm that way. If I wanted to I could definitely pick out things that might make me ugly, but I don't worry about it. I care more about the interactions I have with people than I do about how I physically look. The only things about my appearance that give me a degree of confidence are just things that amuse me, like that I always wear the same color scheme or that my normal and facial hair differ in color and texture.
I can think of at least two of my friends who also share the quality of being comfortable and self accepting despite not being physically attractive, and I really enjoy being friends with them.
I guess my appearance is just otherworldly towards ugliness..
Where'd you get that from?
Because I have hard time ignoring my appearance issues because people bring it up so often. I cannot comprehend being able to ignore those..
Who's bringing up your appearance issues? Friends? Family? Bullies? Strangers in the street?
Ofc not families, but social peers and strangers bring these up. I don't have friends.. Maybe so many people are just bullies?
That seems... quite odd to me. Are you in grade school? That might explain it.
No, I am in graduate program of a university. but it does seem like many of them never grew out of grade school..
Not that they need to be in this sense. In a competition-driven society, you only need to survive yourself, it is a good option to kick someone else down to go up higher. Idk if such manipulation skills would require the "growing up" part.
Man, that's rough.
TWO WHOLE FRIENDS! Stop the presses!
The research has been done on this. The undeniable fact is "pretty" people have a clear advantage in life.
I know that may make you feel uncomfortable, but it's the truth. The same as being poor is a disadvantage so is being ugly.
Just like someone who grows up poor can overcome it, so can ugly people. But that doesn't mean the disadvantage isn't there...
You called one person being that way an outlier, so I added three more from my own experience (two friends and myself.)
And yeah, maybe that is still an outlier. I'm willing to accept that, because I have something that might explain why it's more common with the people I know. The three of us are part of a Christian fellowship, and Phillipians 3:3 says we have confidence in Christ and not the flesh - interestingly enough, I literally just got back from a Bible study with that group where we hit that verse.
You also might know three people that are more confident in themselves because confident people tend to be outgoing and know lots of other people, compared to people who aren't very confident.
Well then most people would know such a person.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friendship_paradox
Yup, they would, but that wouldn't really dismiss the other guy's point.
This wasn't the point as i read, the question was about confidence. And this has little to do with how "pretty" you are. Your confidence is only in your mind. Sure if others think of you as ugly, it's harder to gain confidence. But I think especially a lot of girls have confidence issues with their appearance despite looking "good".
I have this strange suspicion that you find yourself to be ugly.
You do understand what an outlier is? Did you not take basic math in high school?
I mean damn, I know this is the Internet, but I thought Lemmy users could understand basic statistics...
You also feel that because one person won the lottery every can/should?
Being ugly is a disadvantage, like other disadvantages (poor, stupid,etc) it can be overcome. But that doesn't change the fact that it is one.
Have you? Where is your data that indicates this is an outlier?
lemme google that (or duck duck go) for you...
https://www.vice.com/en/article/epz8pk/psychology-pretty-privilege-attractive-people
https://www.sciencetimes.com/articles/46550/20231016/pretty-privilege-paradox-psychologists-explain-why-life-easier-attractive-people.htm
https://www.science.org/content/article/scienceshot-brain-rewards-us-looking-pretty-faces
I mean common sense would help you with your denial. But there are dozens of other links if you go look.
Let's see.
Article 1: "pretty privilege exists."
Article 2: "pretty privilege exists."
Article 3: "pretty face privilege exists."
None of these indicate that being seen and rewarded for being a relaxed, confident, comfortable guy is an outlier thing that rarely happens.
Also, I asked for data, not articles.
Wasting your time arguing with that one, he's likely already back in front of his mirror to stare at his hideous visage and silently judge himself.
Unfortunately :/
Visual pushback against bad ideas can be good for a community, though. I dunno. Mostly, I just wish people would stop being so doomer.
You get that kind of confidence by not giving a shit about what other people think in terms of your physical attractiveness. I don't think I'm especially good looking. I also couldn't give less of a shit. Which is why I have the confidence to have the facial hair of a 19th century president. Because a mutton chops beard is fucking awesome. I'm married, but I wouldn't even care if I was single. I'm keeping my mutton chops.
I wish this kind of attitude is acceptable in my country. Over here, even something like this is enough to make you weirdo and quickly alienate you.
I am a weirdo and maybe it does make people stay away from me. I just don't care.
Does that mean you have zero friends, struggle to get a job, and generally socially isolated? If not, I don't think we have the same problem.
Absolutely, I said it gives a natural advantage, it is more like getting a good starting hand in cards. It doesn't mean you automatically win. Or loose if you get a 4,5...
Too many in this thread are for a variety of reasons taking my statement to mean "OMG if you're not pretty you're doomed"