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I have a single big Postgres instance, shared among immich, paperless, lldap, grafana, and others. I only use the provided docker-compose as inspiration and do my own thing. It's nicer to back up a single database (plus additional volumes, but still).
This is the correct way to look at it. Most applications that provide a docker compose do so as a convenience to get started quickly. It's not necessarily what you should run.
It is recommended to run postgres for each service though since they may have completely different needs / configurations for the queries to be optimal. For self hosting Lemmy and matrix would be the big concerns here.
Absolute sentences like this are rarely true. Sometimes it does make sense and sometimes it doesn't. One database is often quite capable of supporting the needs of many applications. And sometimes you need to fine-tune things for a specific application.
Say what you want it's a recommendation and it's documented in quite a few deployment methods. The only benefit of centralizing it is if you are managing postres without other tools since it'd be a pain in the butt. You'll still run into apps that doesn't run on later versions and others that require later versions though.
An example of a very popular one:
You're talking about a microservices architecture running in a kubernetes cluster? FFS.... 🙄
That's a ridiculous recommendation for a home-gamer. It's all up to how you want to manage dependencies, backups, performance, etc. If one is happy to have a single instance then there's nothing wrong with that. If one wants multiple instances for other reasons that's fine too. There are pros and cons to each approach. Your "I saw somebody recommend it on the internets" notwithstanding.
It's the one I'm using but it's not just running in a cluster. Even some applications recommend running separately like matrix. You can't run everything on the same.versiom all the time anyways.
Unless you're doing something very specific with the database - yes you can. Most applications are fine with pretty generic SQL. For those that have specific requirements, well then give them their own instance. Or use that version for the ones that don't much care...