I recently had an injection that seemed to go wrong (CW: blood, I inject EV subq and I hit something like a capillary, there was a lot of blood and it bruised badly afterwards). Within a couple days I felt unusually dysphoric as a result of what I assume was a failure for the oil to depot and slowly release over time.
I get these "dysphoric thoughts" that maybe the estrogen is causing the problems, that I don't have objective proof that I'm trans, etc. Lots of doubt, paranoia, and increasing amounts of anxiety and irrational fear (about transition, but also in general, e.g. thinking spiders are in my bed), and I start to experience depression and anhedonia (things aren't as pleasurable, everything feels pretty flat emotionally, I just feel "bad").
Of course when I inject again and it goes well, I feel much better and I forget about these problems.
I was just wondering if anyone has advice on how to deal with dysphoria when there are gaps in the HRT. Obviously in the long term, surgery will fix the hormone issue and I suspect that will fix this problem. Until then, though, I am stuck in a rather fragile place where I feel normal (even good, even amazing) when my estrogen levels are high and suppressing my testosterone. Any small slip in that and I barely function as a person.
Before HRT I would just do whatever I could to increase mental well-being:
- physical exertion (aerobic exercise, weightlifting, etc.)
- going outside and getting sunshine
- keeping up with hydration
- keeping good sleep hygiene (sleeping enough, going to sleep at the same times, etc.)
- meditation every day
But now it feels harder for me to "bootstrap" when there are gaps in HRT and my hormones aren't right, it's like I'm no longer used to how hard it was before.
Anyway - any tips or thoughts, would like to hear other's experiences.
Thanks, that makes me feel a lot better.
Being a goody two shoes can definitely be detrimental. I'm gonna try to get her to at least give me the blood tests. Otherwise I'll have to go the private way and it's gonna be expensive. And I'm already drying up my friends enough.
Looks like people are saying the greymarket medication is more expensive in the UK than through official means (just like in the U.S. where insurance should bring down the cost of the medication), but private (which I assume means still going to a clinic and paying out of pocket) might be more expensive than greymarket DIY, just a thought if financial resources are tight. Basically this would mean just not seeing a doctor or getting blood tests privately, just sourcing the medication on the greymarket. Then when you do finally get access to the public healthcare you will have been self-medicating and they will be motivated to fast-track getting you the medication through official means (as a form of harm reduction). At least this is what I have heard can happen.
If you haven't already, you might find Yes, You Are Trans Enough by Mia Violet interesting, it's a memoir but she's in the UK and talks about what it was like navigating the UK healthcare system. I found the book important at the very beginning of my transition to help me come to terms with being trans and accepting that.
Well I can tell you that in the NL the official route is way more expensive, less predictable, slower, harder, dehumanizing and traumatizing. Even when it drove me to the point of suicide, they wouldn't let me stay in the hospital. I'd recommend against going this route to anybody.
DIY is the status quo, simple, convenient, respectful, cheap, and you get a whole year's worth. The only thing that really costs anything is the bloodwork. Learning how to be responsible with it costs less time and energy than all the paperwork.
For the official route, if I add up all costs, I am currently at well over 1500 usd, and I haven't seen a single blood test or pill yet.
Thanks for the book, but right now I just need to get my medication in order.
sorry, I think I might have gotten confused and forgot you were in NL, not in the UK 🤦♀️ oof
I hope you are able to get the medication you need, I'm sorry the system sucks so badly. :-(
Thanks for your words! Actually yesterday I finally got some and today is my first day without full blown dissociation. And it's trans visibility day :)
I'll keep tinkering with the gendergp and Dutch pathways though.
woohoo! That's great news! Are you doing injections, and what dose did you decide to start with?
This is so exciting! 👏👏👏
Yes and I still have to look that up. Posted an update.
nice, I checked your update and posted there - thanks!