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This isn't a Windows thing, it's a firmware thing. It's HP's doing, and HP is well known for screwing with the usability of their devices. In my case, on my Victus, it's F10 that opens UEFI, but the menus are incredibly stripped down. Looking online, F10 seems to be the key to access it on your device, too. Maybe you just aren't getting the timing right, sometimes you gotta mash the absolute hell out of that button to get it to register. Once you do get it, setting a post delay will make it easier in the future.
Thanks, as I said, I tried all the f-buttons already, multiple times, with no success. F10 seems to be the one, but it didn't work on multiple tries. I'm heading to the office later today where I have different keyboards and displays to try it with.
Another thing I just found on a reddit post was that the USB stick should be no larger than 4GB. Even if that didn't cause this problem, I'll get a small USB stick on the way as well, just in case.
What the… ?