Again, I'm sorry you have to deal with a lot right now, I wish I could help you. I forgot to add in my original comment to do "the list". Add to it little by little over time some aspects that stuck with you from the former relationship(if it is not too painful). This is a tool to use for self reflection and to not idealise the former partner(s), it's useful when I think about reaching out.

For me it's easier in a way, the relationship that ended sucked, but my mind often recalls what I wanted it to be instead of what it was. Recalling and seeing what went down is crucial for me, because it lets me know how I acted in certain situations and allows me to take responsibility for my actions(and if I don't like them, to see their root and try to look at it with compassion and patience instead of shame and frustration-still a work in progress for me right now).

While looking forward is scary, there is always something waiting. I thought I would never be worthy of peace or acceotance after I ended a previous relationship, and then the last one happened, which was good when it started. Give yourself time and care, to grieve and recharge. Breakups are exhausting. (Sorry for the long post) I'm rooting for you, and please don't hesitate to reach out whenever you can, I'm looking forward to an update.