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this post was submitted on 07 Oct 2023
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Probably stayed a little longer, at least sat in the same room as my niece and nephew, not left to dodge the situation. Especially as they got into their teens, I feel like they had more autonomy. I know it was because of my brother, but there was part of me that just stubbornly wasn't going to entertain them because of all the hurtful things he said. I could have at least worked on overcoming that part of myself, since it ultimately wasn't their fault. It shouldn't have impacted them. It had to impact them because of my brother, but maybe not to that extent.
I'd tell him, "You know how it is," and I think he did. He was smart, and he knows what his father was like. I heard him tell my brother he has anger issues. I don't know if I'd even say that, though. I could have called him on his birthday, I still can do that with my niece. I will. I don't know if one really has to say things to kids, do we? Just be there, I think. When I think about my aunts and uncles, I don't remember specific things they said -- it's more just like they were there, and I knew it.
I think you are in the right path by seeing a way forward both for yourself and and in relation to your niece. Also, sometimes it's important to be explicit and say whatever may be necessary. Just saying you'll be there for the people in need might be an opening they can explore in the future. Mostly, be open.
It does in my opinion. Put an "OK?" at the end so they can confirm. Just so they don't see it as a meaningless offer.
Kids are people, you definitely have to say things. The less often you see them, the more important is what you say, it's the only words they'll remember from you, and think of you based on them (source: was a kid once, had family scattered all over the world whom I rarely met).
Just think back to when you were a kid, what would you talk about?
It was probably school (favorite subject, worst teacher), friends (and non-friends), interests/hobbies, and maybe you'd listen to any weird story told by someone you had some family/mentor relation with.
story time
"When I was your age, we had no laptops, but one day I got this new set of 36 color marker pens for geography class, and this kid of the 'no kids left behind' group who was a nuisance to everyone but kind of had fixated on me that year, just sat in the desk in front of mine, took the whole set from me, and when I asked her to give it back, she started throwing them back... piece by piece: cap, ink sponge, outer case, one by one, filling my whole notebook, desk, and everything in ink... while the teacher wasn't looking. I used to have a lot of patience, but when she got to about half of them, I finally had enough, grabbed her by the scruff like you'd do with a kitten, pushed to the floor, sat on her, and said 'quit it!', then let go when she stopped squirming. The whole class looked at the scene dumbfounded, teacher included. They let me pick up and reassemble the markers before having a talk. Had a separate talk with my mom... who later told me the teacher said 'finally, someone had the guts to do something about her!'. There was no punishment. Curiously, she calmed a lot after that, and we became sort of friends by the end of that year. I learned she lived alone with her grandma, because there was some problem with her parents, poor kid."
"Do you guys still throw wet wads of toilet paper to the ceilings of the bathrooms, so they stick like stalagmites?" (wait and see if they correct you)
"Don't run with scissors, I got my lower lip pierced that way [proceeds to show scar]"
"Say, what do you kids do these days for fun? Hope you no longer burn ants with a lens on sunny days. We had to run like hell when we set a pile of leaves on fire by accident."
...y'know, I bet you can find some relatable stuff from when you were a kid. Many things have changed, many have not, but they'll often correct you and call you an old fart or whatever, just be ready to take it in stride.
Or learn about their hobbies and ask them about that, people of all ages like for others to hear them talk about their favorite subjects, and you might either learn something or have a chance to engage in a shared interest.
Also, use active listening:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening
(this applies to all ages, but kids are particularly used to adults dismissing them and just telling them what to do, so by just actually listening you'll already stand out)