I lean leftwards because I want more people to get the help, dignity and peace they need and deserve. Now I feel a wave of being told to "harden my heart" and I feel scared and isolated. I don't have it in me to become a martyr and estrange myself from most people any further, I get nervous with the leftism I see so often expressed as wanting the bad people suffer, and that anything short of revolution is not just not good enough, but worse than doing nothing. And then I have constant guilt that I'm judging people more discriminated than me for how they express things; that my fears aren't valid and expressions of privilege.
By now I'm feeling emotional burnout, I get annoyed by any respone that isn't in-depth analysis because it just feels like watching the same responses happening over and over and never going anywhere.
Are you doing organizing work irl? Your descriptions sound like lots of interactions with terminally online people.
It's indeed my issue with online spaces specifically. I do want to join an organisation, but I struggle with maintaining daily life as it is. Perfectionism is also making me procrastinate while I bicker about the right org, opsec etc.
Upside is that I now live (mostly) away from my parents in a university city.
My suggestion here is that you try to nail down the opsec question and then just join an org that seems okay (and not like some abusive cult or chauvinist shitshow) because you can just leave and the experience will help inform you to find a better one.
One of the things you're probably running into is that short form text is a low resolution way to communicate and when folks get used to that they become poor communicators. In addition because there is no education program for participation at different levels, there is no ability to efficiently communicate assuming a shared baseline understanding. The closest equivalent to the latter here is like memes about struggle sessions, jokes, etc. But it's also probably why you prefer longer format posts and explanations. I think some of the ideas, like revolution being necessary, or expressions of frustration and direct opposition to our enemies' violence without qualms, comes from them having developed a very specific understanding of the world that disagrees with yours, but there isn't a longer explanation to build a shared base between you. And online culture and attempts to "police" spaces by going hard on people, plus how difficult it is to tell when someone is eternally curious versus criticizing in a way that's inappropriate, leads to toxic interactions that have no chance at building consciousness, only alienating others.
All of this doesn't happen every time but it's pretty common.
irl organizing is good because of the work and development for both the individual and the org, but also because irl communication has to work differently than this and can be grounding. Plus a proper socialist org will have a required education program where questions and disagreements are welcomed so long as they aren't fully derailing all the time.
@purpleworm@hexbear.net's suggestion is good but even just a principled reading group can be a good start. In Europe, where correct organizations (communist parties) are usually banned, you'd need to find organizations that differentiate themselves enough to avoid the ban. I'm suggesting this particular direction because it will directly go into some of your questions about revolution and violence, which ultimately are about reading a lot of history.