Hi
I'm struggling for years already, being unable to hold a job or function in daily life without job.
It seems like I'm constantly in shutdown, and I can't even communicate my stress and desperation to a therapist because when I'm stressed, I stop expressing anything.
I also seem to forget anything that's even slightly emotionally charged. So even when I can express my emotion, 10 minutes after that conversation I have no clue anymore what I talked about.
Underlying all this seems to be some kind of fear of feeling my emotions. Anytime I feel something, I quickly notice that the feeling/thoughts disappear and I just feel numb and a headache or stomachache.
Even when I'm by myself, I can't seem to express any feelings, as If i'm trying to hide for myself.
And it seems like nobody knows how to deal with this. I've been to a few therapists and it all ends up the same. At the beginning i'm hopeful, but then after a few sessions I realise i'm getting more and more into a shutdown and express myself less and less until I eventually stop going.
Just searching for therapy seems pointless, because I don't have money left and nobody seems to understand my difficulties.
Have you attempted to journal? Force yourself to write three sentences before bed about the feelings you felt that day?
Just that could help. Hope it gets easier for you.
Yeah, that's one thing I started doing 10 years ago and used to do very consistently. But usually my entries are quite bland, more about what happened during the day, not so much about feelings.
Because I seem to have troubles with remembering what I felt during the day.
It might help to have a prompt template of sorts for every day to remind you of exactly what it is you need to journal.
Questions like "What did I do?", "Who did I interact with?", and "what did we talk about?" To start, but also "how did I feel about that?". Or maybe for each event you talk about, end it with an emoji.
I find that feeling, communicating, and expressing are 3 separate processes for me. Feeling is mostly done when I am alone, with the time and space to do so. Communicating is what i do when I recognize a reason for other people in my life to know what I'm feeling. Expressing is hard, usually more about adding some non-verbal communication to help the allistic people around me receive the message I am trying to send rather than anything I am doing for my own sake. It's part of the masking/camouflaging.
I totally understand the feeling, communicating and expressing as 3 separate processes. For me, when I'm feeling something, I can't think. And when I'm thinking, I can't feel.
Often that means that when I'm unconsciously stressed, I can't do any work/admin because I can't keep anything in my head. And when I manage to focus on something, I can't feel anything. Not even thirst or hunger.
So talking about how I feel is very difficult, because I can't feel it while talking. Writing is easier, but still very much constrained.
I'll try to put your prompts for journalling somewhere, I think it would be good to ask myself those questions for each thing I remember and write down. Now the question is how to remember to check the prompts!
Get it back on track. Set a goal to write about three feelings a day. Keep it in your mind throughout the day, and when you feel something, just remember that you'll need that for your journal later. Take a moment to think about how you feel and what made you feel that way. No worries if you don't hit the goal, it's a skill you have to practice. Try again tomorrow!
I'll try, thanks for the suggestion. At the moment it feels quite impossible for me to remember something later when I'm writing if I don't write it down immediately. But I'll still try.