Hi
I'm struggling for years already, being unable to hold a job or function in daily life without job.
It seems like I'm constantly in shutdown, and I can't even communicate my stress and desperation to a therapist because when I'm stressed, I stop expressing anything.
I also seem to forget anything that's even slightly emotionally charged. So even when I can express my emotion, 10 minutes after that conversation I have no clue anymore what I talked about.
Underlying all this seems to be some kind of fear of feeling my emotions. Anytime I feel something, I quickly notice that the feeling/thoughts disappear and I just feel numb and a headache or stomachache.
Even when I'm by myself, I can't seem to express any feelings, as If i'm trying to hide for myself.
And it seems like nobody knows how to deal with this. I've been to a few therapists and it all ends up the same. At the beginning i'm hopeful, but then after a few sessions I realise i'm getting more and more into a shutdown and express myself less and less until I eventually stop going.
Just searching for therapy seems pointless, because I don't have money left and nobody seems to understand my difficulties.
It might help to have a prompt template of sorts for every day to remind you of exactly what it is you need to journal.
Questions like "What did I do?", "Who did I interact with?", and "what did we talk about?" To start, but also "how did I feel about that?". Or maybe for each event you talk about, end it with an emoji.
I find that feeling, communicating, and expressing are 3 separate processes for me. Feeling is mostly done when I am alone, with the time and space to do so. Communicating is what i do when I recognize a reason for other people in my life to know what I'm feeling. Expressing is hard, usually more about adding some non-verbal communication to help the allistic people around me receive the message I am trying to send rather than anything I am doing for my own sake. It's part of the masking/camouflaging.
I totally understand the feeling, communicating and expressing as 3 separate processes. For me, when I'm feeling something, I can't think. And when I'm thinking, I can't feel.
Often that means that when I'm unconsciously stressed, I can't do any work/admin because I can't keep anything in my head. And when I manage to focus on something, I can't feel anything. Not even thirst or hunger.
So talking about how I feel is very difficult, because I can't feel it while talking. Writing is easier, but still very much constrained.
I'll try to put your prompts for journalling somewhere, I think it would be good to ask myself those questions for each thing I remember and write down. Now the question is how to remember to check the prompts!