Mental Health

I've been diagnosed MDD for about 16 months. Took me decades to realize I needed help just for that. Thing is, that's just what I dared to talk with my doctor about. I had a Catch 22: I think (in addition to my ADHD) I have Bipolar 2 alongside anxiety and PTSD and need to address it. I stopped seeing the pDoc because it's $375 each visit, no insurance accepted. I was able to get my antidepressants managed by my PCP, but not my Ritalin, so I've been of that for about six months. But now I needed to go back to get a diagnosis for my whole, actual condition and begin sorting out a treatment plan.

But! My anxiety makes me so reluctant to even talk to my doctor about it. I start to worry like always, that he will think I'm faking it. I always, always have a kind of imposter syndrome. I just had my second hypo-manic episode (at least since I learned what they are) that fortunately only lasted six days. A few days after finally getting some sleep (read: sleeping from Thursday to Saturday), I started getting waves of anxiety so intense I was feeling rollercoaster vibes and going fetal. Its happened twice when I was driving, which is no bueno. I can't identify a cause, most times. Sometimes it's when I think of the state of the world. Most times I have no idea why I feel scared.

So my wife (who has bipolar 1 with psychotic features, anxiety, etc.) Saw me struggling and gave me a tiny dose of alprazolam. I was chill in maybe ten minutes. It felt so nice to finally stop freaking out for a while. So she leveled with me. She told me she's been convinced of my BD2 for about as long as we've known each other, but she could tell I wasn't ready to accept it. That I need to go to our doctor (we share 'cause they're so hard to find nowadays) and just tell him how I feel.

So that brings me to today. I reached out and took the first step in getting back under his care. I plan to talk with my wife in the next day or two so we can make a list for me. If I don't have something to reference when I see him, I'll worry too much about "choking" and that he'll kick me out. I know it's stupid worrying that he'll judge me. But that's where I am. Oh well. A list of my feelings with times and situations where I was overwhelmed or when I was playing my piano for almost three days straight. How it felt, what I was thinking.

I'll bring in my list and maybe I won't even need it. But if I have it, I can handle going into the office. Then maybe I can get something like xanax for my anxiety, and if he agrees about bd2, then maybe look into a mood stabilizer and whatever else evens me out.

Also, is it weird that I'm actually happy in some way if I do have Bipolar? Like it brings me closer to my wife. I'm this way that I am anyway. But if I am diagnosed, then it's kind of like, not only do we share a disorder, but she gets to be right about me all along. She gets to say she saw the signs and waited for me to be ready, then helped me get treatment. That's good, right? She's awesome. She's only ever wanted to take care of me.

I know this is a little all over there place. I just needed to share somehow to make it real to me. Thanks for reading.

PS - I have to sleep, so apologies if you reply and it seems like I'm ignoring you.

Edit: typo