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I am a retired chef. I can guarantee that I could make the foods you like to eat tasty for all. I mention this because, given the various flags you've mentioned, an actual chef might be a good match for you. Generally speaking we like cooking for other people. The one down side you'll have is that the adage "do not trust a skinny chef," is there for a reason. I'm in decent shape for a chef, but still about 10-20 pounds overweight. It's because we are constantly having to taste the dishes, so monitoring my caloric intake while working is damn near impossible. Doesn't mean I don't spend time in the pool and surfing, just means that I eat really good food frequently.
Find another chef though, I'm not available.
Oh, and just so you know, the not cooking thing isn't just men. I've had to teach every girlfriend I've had, except one, how to cook. Had to ban one of them from my kitchen because she kept scorching my expensive pans.