cats

Doesn't work that way for me emotionally
And anyway, a new cat will happen to me, and not the other way round (that I look for one)

It's a hole in my heart, that can't be replaced.

I can always love another cat, but I will forever miss him.
And I'm not sure, if I'm ready for a new cat.
I would probably be reminded too much about similarities and differences...and either way, I'll be sad

Thing is, I pretty much put my job on hold for nearly a year, because I was fighting for his life.
We had months of daily visits at the vet and also gave him infusions (not sure if that is the right term in English) at home as well
We was a tough fighter and didn't want to give up
In the last weeks he couldn't get into our bed anymore, so I slept with him on the hard bathroom floor - where he liked it because of the heated floor

The vets couldn't figure out what's wrong, until they felt tumors 2 weeks before we needed to put him down.
We were prepared and tried to make this as comfortable as possible for him, and do it ourselves at home.
But he took all the meds without much of a fuss and just wouldn't even go to sleep.
Although we were just shaking at that point, because nothing worked as planned.
In the end, we need to wait with a cat in pain for 2 hours until the vet opened again, and he got his final injection there.

At least the painkillers worked for the last hour before the vet and we had some cuddle and talk time.
He even seemed to have fun to be not in his case, when we went over to the vet - looked at me with a me astonished smile, that this is new and fun.

But at this point he couldn't even walk without assistance anymore - still, he didn't want to leave us and give up.

We had some time, when we were separated, because of a broken relationship.
But my ex didn't really took care of him, so I took him back, although I still needed to go on business trips - but a friend and new girlfriend (now wife) jumped in looking for him.
As my wife and I moved into a new apartment together, he couldn't comprehend at first what was happening.
He stood up from his travel case and hugged me, while burying his face in my shoulder - like a card version of crying. Because he thought, that he needs to leave me again.

Only after he realized, that we're still so together in the new apartment, he was so fucking happy and all was good in the world again.
He didn't care about the place we lived in, he cared about being with us.
Every time we went on vacation, he was completely broken and I couldn't even enjoy the vacation, because I knew, that he is depressed.

Together we went on adventures, exploring cellars or gardens of the houses we moved in (we sadly needed to move quite some times) and that was the most fun for him.
He's often begged me to go for some adventure together, but sometimes I was too finished because of work.
Now I could cry about every missed opportunity...

I had several cats during my life, and often had deep relationships with them.
But this cat was different.
He was special for me - and we for him.
He wasn't just a cat, he was my friend, a brother and sometimes a child to me, when he needed it.