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I looked like a 10 year old girl the entire time I was in school and didn't attract any boys. My breasts only started growing after I graduated from high school and they're still small. I still look underage and still don't attract any men my age. I have never known a man to call me beautiful or hold the door for me, I don't know how to flirt and I can't imagine myself doing it.
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My mother always did all the work for me. Even when I was going to wash the dishes myself, shed snatch the plate out of my hands and wash it herself. Yes, I was the problem too, I wasn't persistent enough, but I was a lazy and apathetic child, and if someone did something for me, I never minded. Especially when my mother did it, it seemed natural to me. I didn't know that many girls my age already knew how to cook. Now I have to learn all of it myself and I feel incredibly pathetic as a woman.
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This close bond between mother and daughter is alien to me. I've never been close to my mother, I almost never shared my feelings with her. Partly this is because of my school years, when I had problems with other kids, and I didn't say anything to her so as not to upset her. And also, we are just very different people. She is very sociable, likes to talk for hours without expressing a single complete thought. I feel like a terrible daughter, but I just have a hard time to tolerate it, I tried, but I can't. I communicate much better with my father.
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I dont know how to look good. When all the girls in my school wore makeup, I didn't have any. When I was finally able to buy it myself, I looked really ridiculous. So much time has passed, and I still can't put makeup on well on this face. When I buy clothes for myself, they look stupid, it seems like I have no idea what suits me and what doesn't, and I don't know how to combine them well. I even watched video tutorials on this, but it doesn't help. I'm always amazed by schoolgirls with good makeup and stylish clothes. It's as if other girls have some kind of innate talent for it, but I don't.
There's a lot more I could say, but that's the gist of it. I don't know what to do, and I'd like to hear what other women with similar experiences think, but I wouldn't mind hearing what men think, too.
I know this is an off the chest thing, so advice and responses aren't really useful. But, since videos failed, there *are, places that do classes on how to use cosmetics. Most of the chain companies that sell them have them available. Not free, usually, but in person really does make a difference with make-up instructions.
I had to learn a little for my female patients, and that's what it took for me to "get it". I never got really good, because my little old ladies didn't go for the really subtle and delicate looks, but I managed to be able to do the basics for them in one weekend seminar.
Clothing is kinda similar, though harder to find good classes for that aren't just a store shilling what they sell. But it's mostly about learning color combos and lines that work for a given body type. Basic principles that can then apply broadly when shopping.
Cooking is a long term investment in the self. It takes years to get good at it, but maybe a few months to be able to feed yourself and it taste decent. You gotta think of it as long term though. You aren't going to be a great cook at first, nobody is. So give yourself time to learn without judging yourself by the standards of experienced cooks. Like, stove top mac n cheese is an accomplishment early on. Ain't no shame in that.
Your womanhood is yours. You make it fit you, not the other way around. You don't have to fit some arbitrary template to be a woman. I had struggles finding my sense of self and masculinity, so I kinda relate there. That's how I found my path, by looking at who I really am, and embracing it. Maybe you'll have that epiphany too?
Anyway. I promise you that you're good enough. Most people are, if they could only see themselves objectively
Thank you, such a good comment ๐