this post was submitted on 23 Mar 2026
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A lot of single people think any effort means the relationship is a failure.
They idealize this as an 'effortless' relationship... which usually is just a product of them being deeply selfish people who think their needs are all that matters. Typically, it's the 'if he wanted to he would' crap, which is just 'my partner should read my mind at all times' toxic mentality.
That's entirely true. wasted my 20s and nost of my 30s in effort intensive relationships because i thought i wasnt being a good enough boyfriend but the reality is i just didn't want to do those things for my exes, I didn't really love them like that. I just saw they were wonderful people and wanted them for that, but now im in a six year relationship and i never once felt like i had to make an effort. It just pops into my head to buy her flowers randomly and i do it joyfully, zero effort. I actually have to put in effort to spend less money on her that's the only effort i put in to the relationship, reminding myself we need to save and not to spend too much on her now.
You sound like a jerk, frankly.
Jerks make excuses for themselves like this, and reduce everything to their 'feelings'. Your current girlfriend isn't magically different than your exes, you probably just find her hotter and work harder for her, and you should have never dated those other women in the first place if you were not attracted to them.
Super common to find people who hate their partners or aren't attracted to them who refuse to make any effort because of that. It's usually because they are lazy and lack accountability, and often blame their partner for their lack of effort.
Attraction has little to do with it, attraction is just whether you want to have sex with that person the first time. After that, every other quality becomes way more important.
There's no excuses being made, i dated people took a while to figure out what i wanted in a relationship, and now i have it.
Of course there's nothing magical about my partner because magic is nonsense. She's just the right partner for me.
And yeah idk i think you're really confused about what effort means. You can get a lot done effortlessly if you feel good about it. Yes, feelings are important, in fact feelings are the only thing that ever made any human do anything.
But i spent incredible amounts of effort on my exes and it didn't work out because we weren't exactly right for each other. All the effort in the world won't help you do more than survive for the next day, whether it's love work or anything else.