Transfem

I feel like I've made more progress in this week than I have in months of my life. How have I lived like this for so long?

One of the first things I tried was shave in places where it wouldn't be visible for now with the cold weather, mainly my legs and entire front. I'd never even considered it before, but after the first patch of smooth skin I felt like I opened up some part of me I hadn't ever felt before. It took a while but it’s done and it feels so nice :3

I'm still really scared by my reflection (I haven't shaved my face just yet) but putting on a face mask really helps. I take a lot of features from my mom anyway, so the only thing that stresses me out about my reflection is the facial hair. Using that strategy I parted my hair down the middle and combed it towards the back of my head. I think I wait more time for it to grow out, but I just felt so much more like me in that moment. It was so rare. I didn't hate the person I saw in the mirror…

I took one of my days to go to a clothing store and got myself some hipster underwear!! There was some nerves when I walked in and tried to find what I was looking for, but I had my face mask again to help me out, it wasn’t very busy, no one really cared and there was self-checkout. I know I could do online but it’s just so much easier to go to a store and get it done immediately, plus dealing with picking up stuff from somewhere else is hassle since I obviously can’t have it delivered (my mom!!). They fit well and feel so right. I can feel good without anyone seeing them. My stuff down there isn’t an issue to say the least… so it’s a win for me :3

Other than my appearance, I changed my name (yes, I already have a name in mind!!) on my Nextcloud instance. It sounds so stupid, but just opening up my dashboard to “Good morning, [name]” just gives me the right start to the day.

This feeling is still so foreign to me… loving myself… Wanting to see myself look good. Wanting to eat right. Wanting to get proper sleep and exercise. I've always neglected my self care, but now that I know that I'm a girl (wow...) I want to try so so much. That one piece just helped it all click. It doesn't matter how much time or effort it's gonna take, I want to look good. I want to feel good.

But I know my journey is so far from over. I’m going out with two of my closest friends tomorrow. Throughout the week I’ve written down some of the stuff I wanna say so I don’t get stuck. My thoughts are already scattered normally and even more so when I’m trying to communicate something really complicated, so this is how I'm going to help myself. I haven’t told them that we’re going to talk, just to make sure that it’s only them for that day. I need to do this. I want to do this.

I feel like I've made small steps in the grand scheme of things, but they've made me feel so much better than before. I’m scared, but not miserable or hopeless and that’s the most important part. I can never thank you all enough for that ❤️

I think I can do this. I have hope I can do this. Just one step at a time…