i thought it would be nice if we shared some general expiriences. i list some of my learnings below. feel free to add! :))
note that i was a part of my local queer spaces for longer already, so my thoutghts on networks might seem obvious to you. but since i gad my inner coming out my love for my communities has only intensified.
local networks are key
there are a lot of good reasons to seek out for other queer people in your area (be it a queer party or a self help group). the obvious downside is that you need to trust those people. especially in harsher political/societal environments it might be a hard decision, who to trust. my pros:
- you will find people who live in the same city/region and who can give you important advice.
- you can exchange contacts of doctors/practioners and learn who to avoid.
- you will find yourself in a (more) accepting space, where people will sit next to you while you vent your frustration and share your joy.
- you will find radical friends. solidarity is strong. queer groups tend to make happen a lot of crazy stuff for their members. you will be adopted by them.
being out might not just help you
this is anecdotal but i have helped some people navigating early transition, which i could not have done in the same way, if i hadn't been out to my friends and haven't had the confidence to (quasi) publicly share my expiriences. similarly i know a person who is very stealth (transitioned as teen, moved ...), and is only out to a few close friends. she is scared of the political climate and with this very alone. when i came out to her, we talked a while and i promised to be a proxy for her to our local groups, if she doesn't want to out herself but needs help.
don't get too excited – but celebrate steps!
i'd advice general scepticism. your hormones might get lost in the mail, your surgery postponed. or some other shit doesn't go as planned. there is a lot of potential to get your hopes crushed. believe it when you have it.
frustration will build up. so celebrate any little step you achieved.
being yourself is so much easier than pretending
first i was afraid, (i was petrified), it would be hard to play a new role, that i needed to put in hard work to convince people i was a woman. in the end i am still myself but i don't police myself as much anymore. sure i have done a lot more shopping lately, but that was fun, not a chore. i wear what i deem fitting. in short, i stopped worrying, if i was presenting too fem and just started to go for it. and that's so much easier.
so, first of all, yes - I completely affirm your point about how crucial trans community is (and I mean trans, i.e. other people who are in transition or planning to transition)
and though I'm stealth with most people where I live, I still connected with trans folks and made connections to the local trans community so I have that - I'm only out to other trans people, basically
transitioning has taught me so much:
TIL there might be hope, actually.
regarding trans people clocking trans ppl: a few month ago i got asked (unprovoked) by a person if i thought their boyfriend was cis. and while that's a weird way to out your boyfriend, i realised that i just took him by his appearence, and didn't have a second thought. i am not that naïve anymore and it's sad. i learned a bad thing there and i catch myself sometimes trying to clock trans persons. i hate that ...
It's not a bad thing. I absolutely want trans people to see me and clock me.
The bad thing is outing another trans person before you know how they feel about it. Simply seeing and recognising another trans person isn't bad in the slightest.
yes, I find myself sometimes "transvestigating" cis people even; that could have been another item for the above list of things I learned: cis people are far more gender-diverse than I ever realized! But honestly I don't beat myself up about it, I think my brain is just wired to do this because it's a survival strategy - my need to pass leads to heightened sensitivity about those factors that might cause me to not pass, and living under so much pressure to pass led me to really notice fine details most people don't notice and gloss over.
I refuse to feel bad about this, it's more like something that happens to me because of my environment than some kind of willful choice I made. Obviously it would be weird to get obsessive about someone or to take it too far, I just mean I don't feel bad for my brain "seeing" gender in a way I can't unsee now, and in a way that picks everything apart and is constantly scanning for signs of "transness".
Even when someone visually passes, it's usually the voice gives it away (particularly with transfems); even when a voice is good it's still usually clocky to me. The only trans people who I can't clock are usually trans men. (Though that's not universal either - there is a characteristic "gnomish" overfull voice that trans men often have where their vocal tract just sounds too small for what you would expect - so trans men can absolutely have clockable voices, it's just not as common ime.)