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Trump Admin to Ban Shootings on Weekends, Federal Holidays
By Newt Smax, Wednesday, 28 January 2026 08:13 AM EST
At a press conference this morning, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt announced that the Secretary of Homeland Security, Kristi Noem, has issued a standing order to DHS agents in Minneapolis to "please limit shootings to regular business hours, Monday through Friday, 9AM to 5PM, local time, no weekends and no holidays."
"The people have spoken, and we listened" Leavitt was quoted as saying.
In her own announcement, Noem elaborated, stating, "We are an elite fighting force, guarding our people and our way of life against the mongrel hordes pouring through our borders and festering our heritage and our lands. We failed to uphold the standards and decorum associated with that grand position, and it will be rectified immediately. Henceforth, any DHS employee found engaging in an extrajudicial execution outside of regular business hours shall be issued a demerit. After 10 demerits, they shall be counseled. After 10 counselings, they shall be admonished. After 10 admonishments, they shall be reprimanded. Any employee with 10 or more reprimands shall be transfered. We do not tolerate failure."
This move has been widely celebrated as a bipartisan achievement as Hakeem Jeffries, Chuck Schumer, John Thune and Mike Johnson were seen erecting a "Mission Accomplished" banner on Capitol Hill today. When questioned, Johnson opined, "Look, almost everyone knows our agenda is the right one, but we don't live in a perfect world. You can convince all of the people of the truth some of the time. You can convince some of the people of the truth all of the time. You cannot convince all of the people of the truth all of the time. We have to compromise occasionally."
Apparently, not everyone is celebrating, though. Our journalists approached known communist splinter cell leaders, Ocasio-Cortez and Sanders for comment, but they just stared wordlessly at the horizon.
What does the average American on the street think, though? We interviewed a local Minneapolis resident of the Kenwood neighborhood to get the local perspective. Breighdynn Hearst is a 31-year-old marketing executive with his father's AI firm. "Quite frankly, I don't know what the whole kerfuffle is about. Sure, it's the right of every American to protest unjust treatment, and don't get me wrong, I vote blue right down the line, every time, but enough is enough at some point. There are real things at stake here. Just the other day I was on my way to a shareholder meeting when I found my usual route blocked by a throng of protesters. I diverted along a sidestreet, but it was covered in the blood and viscera of former terrorists. It's a lot more slippery than you would think. I was forced to drive at a crawl. Needless to say, I arrived late, and what's more, it's extremely embarrassing to have a conversation with a potential investor while human entrails and a barbie doll head are stuck to your vehicle. Since the restriction to business hours, though, it's been pretty smooth sailing. I think it's a bipartisan win."
Along those lines, Karen Evans, Director of FEMA, has committed a fleet of modified frontloaders and street sweepers to "help mitigate the collateral effects of terrorist carcasses littering Minneapolis streets."
Stay tuned for further updates.