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Staggering number of children starting school not toilet trained, study finds
(www.independent.co.uk)
this post was submitted on 27 Jan 2026
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[Long rant]
My brother has two twin autistic boys.
I came back from the UK to Canada a few times in the past to see family and when I spent time with them ... I came really close to getting them to talk back to me. My brother would always come home later and then say: "gooo gooo gaga". I was like, "what the hell are you doing? I'm almost able to get them to repeat what I say". He was like, "oh it's fine, they'll pick it up"
Years passed. I came back to move in with my brother and when the kids were 4, almost 5. Guess what? They're not toilet trained and they have speech issues. They can say colours, numbers, and shapes and can sometimes repeat things but they have no concept of sentences and stuff. My mother's helping them take care of the kids but she's addicted to her phone and speaks mainly in Chinese and didn't really understand the purpose of getting the kids to learn incrementally. Their actual mother and father just keep saying "they'll pick it up". My brother actually said: "oh, it's okay, you know why I'm not worried. Grade 1 teachers can still change them". Their mother was like: "they're autistic! I'll change them as long as they need!"
The fury it sent through me while I was there was insane. I'm not a parent but while I was living there, I got them connected with my behavioural therapist friend and did so many speech exercises with them. I remember specifically knowing they loved to be picked up. Every time I picked them up, I said "up" and worked all their phrases from there. It was one of the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Especially when their parents come home and my mother would just undo a lot of my progress because they would just do things for them instead of letting them do it themselves. Toilet training these kids was no picnic either ... I had to hold one of them down onto the portable toilet thing when he was constipated to half understand the concept. Did I do anything the best way? Most certainly not. However, these two kids can talk now and they were toilet trained after a few months.
I've never felt so drained and so angry at my brother and his wife for being so absolutely inept.
I had a child with ASD who couldn't draw a bath by the time they were 10. My wife and I were separated and she just coddled them. Once I realized their siblings were doing it for them, I spent 2 weekends showing them what to do and the problem was solved. Years worth of delay because they're "special". Still dealing with the aftermath of that attitude where just because things will be harder for them their mom didn't even try.
Genuinely this is why it's important to humanize autistic people. If you paint autistic people as incapable with high support needs, they won't get the help they need to grow up. It fucking sucks, and organizations like Autism Speaks contribute to this notion of autistic people being a drag on society instead of people who just need to be taught things a little differently sometimes.
Exactly so.
This reminds me of a story. I knew someone who worked with an autistic person, and he'd keep answering the door in his underwear. She'd say, "Hey, you need to get dressed," and off he'd go to get dressed, but she complained that this just kept happening. So I said to her, "Did you try telling him that he should be dressed before he answers the door?" Well, no, of course she hadn't told him that because obviously she doesn't want him answering the door in his underwear. So I told her, "The next time this happens, tell him, 'It's not appropriate to answer the door in your underwear. When I'm coming over, make sure you're dressed before you answer the door.'" And what do you know, this autistic retiree doesn't answer the door in his underwear any more. For her, at least, which is still an improvement, and at an age where most would have given up on him learning anything new. It just needed to be presented to him in a clear, unambiguous manner and he was happy to comply.
As an autistic myself, having specifics is definitely helpful. While my masking has helped with understanding intent and all that, that is after at least 3 decades of life to pick it up.
Yeah I had a friend in college I had to help learn to be an adult in her late 20s because her parents just assumed she couldn't do things and never taught her to try thanks to her autism. She grew increasingly angry at them the more she learned she could have always been independent
Thank you for making a part of the world at least a little bit better. Your efforts are worth it.
Honestly, thanks. I never heard my brother say that although I know he is appreciative ... but like, I've never heard it. So thank you.
They say parenting comes with no guidebook, and that's true...but OTOH, maybe common sense isn't so common either.
I'm not here to judge anyone: I have two ASD kids and am ASD myself. That shit is hard.
One of the good things I did as a parent is enrolled my kids in a year of Montessori based pre-school. They teach the kids to clean, cook, use keys, use locks, look at people when talking, put beads on a string, brush teeth and hair, make cups of tea, use scissors etc. I know Montessori is seen as a sort of hippy-dippy thing but my experience has been the exact opposite. Don't get me wrong, I still had to take my eldest to Speech Pathology but they (the school) laid a good foundation.
One thing to mention that might help you: ASD kids have whack bodily perception. They literally have to be taught that "feeling full bladder" = "need to go pee". It seems insane but they just don't...notice it, until too late. The don't understand the body sensation.
Lot's weird little body quirks like this.
Anyway, good luck to you. I always think to myself "be kind; everyone one is fucked up one way or another"
I actually agree with you. My twin nephews are high functioning though. However, their outbursts, communication skills and stuff are just quite delayed. Their math is absolutely amazing though. When they were around 6 they knew their times table up to 13. I taught them quite a lot myself with long division, fractions, 2D-3D formulas of shapes and a few formulas I thought were fun like the sum of natural numbers. All by 8.
The bathroom thing is hilarious because the eldest learned later than the youngest but the youngest just doesn't understand he needs to go until it's an ABSOLUTE EMERGENCY. lol, so many close calls and umm ... "accidents". I also had to teach their parents that they shouldn't give them a full glass of water every night because they seem to consistently wet the bed.
I hate judging parents, so what you're hearing is a total outburst of 3-5 years of living with them and just getting so exhausted -- like I'm a single guy living in London and every week would be something new to me. I literally put so much time and money because I saw the parents not putting the required effort for these types of kids ....
(sorry more ranting ...)
They both love watching K-Dramas (as they should). However, they would watch it till like 2-3am on a Friday. Weekends they would sleep in until 2-3pm. They used to keep the kids up until 1am-2am because "they" were up. After I got there, they finally put the kids to sleep at a reasonable hour like 9pm. However, on Saturday morning the kids would be up at 7am and they would just sleep in. My brother would wake up fix the kids some breakfast and then hand the kids an iPad and then go back to sleep himself. Bear in mind he doesn't wake up until afternoon, so the kids would have an iPad for 6 hours or so before the day started for them. There's a lot more where the mum was working or gaming in her room all day (my own mum and me would be taking care of the kids) ... she would leave the room to say "goodnight" to the kids and then she would go back to her room. My brother would do the same. I don't mean to demean their jobs but I don't think any job requires you to stay at your computer THAT long and I'm a programmer.
Also my brother wouldn't buy the kids "books" because they don't know how to read yet. They didn't understand the concept of reading to your kids until I did it and they felt embarrassed.
Honestly, parenting really isn't easy. I feel as though it was simpler in my parents generation because it feels like every parent needs to monitor their kids far more now. Also, if it was easy, I wouldn't be helping this much to get them out. I still love them all (even the parents I'm trashing) and I wouldn't have traded this experience for anything. Seeing the kids learn and pick up things and the bond they have with me is priceless.
In another place the adults would have been reported to CPS.