How about "it's entirely possible to automatically delay updates by a month and have the computer give you a one week warning before they install where you can push things back by up to a week every time it pops up indefinitely, so you have the time to set whatever settings you need to not get the suck?"

It's not ideal, but the reality of a properly configured Windows system is significantly less harrowing than everyone online would have you believe.

Come on, you know the big businesses wouldn't put up with this shit, so just look up how Windows and these things are managed in Enterprise environments.

Windows sucks. It's a corporate product made by people with incentives to make it suck. But they also have incentives to give businesses ways around the suck so they don't lose their market position. So use those tools. If you can manage Linux you absolutely can manage Group Policy and a few lines of PowerShell.