Ye TIFU big time, not only today but the next years to come.
I always thought I wanted kids, but after we married I started realising I don't want kids. I like the freedom I have, playing video games, going to gym, travel,... all with only my wife.
My TIFU: I realised way too late after marrying and building a house that wanting kids will never be what I want. I always listened to people: "That will change, believe me"; "When your older you will!"
The thought of a kid might be good sometimes, but the more I think of it the worse it gets.
I had to talk with my wife and she started crying, understandable.
We are now in our house, I still love her and she still loves me but the kids problem is a huge problem cause she only wants kids with me. She is now 33, already "old" for kids.
I think I destroyed everything. I can't change somehow that I don't want kids, I was hoping that my thoughts of "Yeah maybe in future, would be cool" would turn into something I'd do anything for. But it's just not happening and I feel like I lived a lie to her, giving her wrong hopes and we married, built house,...
It's nothing I couldn't solve though, I just feel bad for her and I feel like I should just give her a kid before her chance vanishes. I don't think she will find a new man in a while to get kids right away. She is already 33.
I don't know what her plans are yet. I told her Im open to anything, let her date and find someone I don't want to be in her way and I won't make it harder than it already is. I'd just disapear a while and if she needs me she can call. I'd always be there for her, even if she finds a new person and this person would break up with her I'd support her even if it wouldn't be my own child.
It's weird cause I still love her, she loves me (I guess), but the "child problem" is so huge I dont want to say: "you cant have kids" nor do I want to just get a kid to make her happy.
The best thing that could happen is if she would find someone who wants kids and loves her just as much as I do and me leaving.
Once this is all over I will never ever get a new person in my life. Not because I couldn't, I just want my peace. I think Im a loner and better off alone. But I'd still be there if she calls me in the middle of the night (if she would, I don't think she'd ever do it after this) but I'd still remain helping her if ever needed. This doesn't make it easier for her though. And not for me either.
But the TIFU is about me fuc.king up and I guess it's all me to blame for not wanting childrend and knowing this so "late" after all this.
Nothing I can fix. The only solution would be just making a kid and playing my role the next 18 years until it moves out.
EDIT: Im just discovering that I more and more do not want kids. Looking at my friends, who can't sleep all night, who can't go on vacations or afford simple things,... or even worse: looking at my friend who has 3 kids and a house but divorced. He is living in a 20m² room, paying 1200 € child support and 50% f the house and he is broke. And yes, there are also positive examples of quiet kids and good families, but I just don't want to risk it and just cause I raise a kid doesn't mean it'll be with me forever.
I know many people 60+ who have children that never visit them.
I had my daughter at 40 for the same reasons you have right now. My only regret is that I didn't have kids earlier.
Kids are the most terrible decision you won't regret. It's a shit ton of work, stress, and anguish. And still worth it. It's also something that can't really be explained, you have to experience it.
I heard that too.
But my problem is that if I do regret it I won't be able to change it. It's just too risky for me to make a child and just the thought alone of it being a burdon the whole time would be unfair.
I know it's likely it won't be like that and that I might not even regret it. But if I am not 100% for it now, I don't think I can do it.
The biggest factor is having a solid relationship. Which it sounds like you do. And trust me, that's a far bigger hurdle than you think. All in, the woman has a lot more risks in having kids than you do. So if she's willing to go for it, you might want to dig up some courage.
And yeah, easy for me to say, I took the plunge over a decade ago. So I have the luxury of hindsight. But I can also tell you, watching my kids discover the world, is like discovering it again myself. Sometimes even better, though often times far stickier. There's so many sticky discoveries. Also it's grounding for yourself. Raising your kids puts the world, and yourself, into perspective in a lot of ways that are deeply self affective.
In the end though it's like telling someone how to drive a car, or ride a bike. I could explain it all damn day, that doesn't mean you would learn how to ride, or drive. It's something you have to do to actually learn. All I can say is that the scary cliff of becoming a parent, doesn't get any less scary. It is worth it though. And I'd be willing to bet the overwhelming majority of those with kids would say the same.
Just wanted to say I'm almost 40 and have been of the mindset that I don't want kids pretty much my whole life. I tell my partners right away, and one even tried to convince me after 5 years of dating. I say that to say this: it is not uncommon. My much older aunt, who is happily married to a man with adult children of his own, is also of this same mindset.
Sometimes I get that twinge of "missing out" on kids when watching something wholesome about family, or seeing a father and son who look crazy alike. But it hasn't changed my stance.
I know it is entirely not the same, but have you considered a pet together? Having something to care about may give you perspective on if you truly are a loner. I don't know if you got something out of this comment but just realize the way you feel: you are not alone.