I worked in a workshop with a dude (let's call him Dave) who was coarse as fuck. Nice dude, but every third word was "fuck", every fourth word was "cunt", and he had literally no filter. I liked the dude - knew where I stood with him, and if I had a quick question then he had a quick answer.

We also had a guy who was a floater (let's call him Nigel) - went to different offices to cover different shortfalls. The guy was a weapons grade wanker - kept banging on about how expensive his house was; spent his breaks doing curls with a light weight even though he'd never done any form of exercise in his life; and had a second phone for his ladies elsewhere in the country. The guy couldn't keep his fucking mouth shut and contributed to a conversation whether his opinion was wanted or not.

Dave was mindng his own business making his breakfast, when Nigel strides in and notices a two inch by four inch square of hair missing on the back of Dave's head. Nigel couldn't help himself, and started with his smarmy "har har har, what's wrong Dave? Lost a fight with a lawnmower? Get your hair cut by Stevie Wonder? har har har"

Dave turns round, stares at Nigel, and simply says "no, cancer."

The world fell out of Nigel's arse there and then. He turned on his heels and fucked off. We didn't see him for the rest of the day.

Dave was thrilled. Not only did he get to put Nigel in his place, and made sure none of us had to put up with Nigel's shit that day. Legend.