The Onion and other satire w/ layers

Nintendo has filed a patent giving them the exclusive right to the gameplay mechanic of pressing a button that makes a character jump, sources confirmed.

“It’s hard to believe it’s been over forty years since the original Donkey Kong released in arcades!” explained Shigeru Miyamoto in a recent Nintendo Direct. “So much has changed since then! Mario’s had so many adventures, Donkey Kong has gone from villain to hero, and countless other video games have included a jump button without our express permission. That’s why, starting after this Direct, only Nintendo will be legally able to make games where you can jump. All other publishers have six months to ensure their titles are free of patent infringement. Afterwards, the next jump we see out of any of you, you’ll be jumping straight into court.” [...]

Context: Nintendo recently got some patents which are quite unpopular: https://www.pcgamer.com/gaming-industry/an-embarrassing-failure-of-the-us-patent-system-videogame-ip-lawyer-says-nintendos-latest-patents-on-pokemon-mechanics-should-not-have-happened-full-stop/