Transfem
A community for transfeminine people and experiences.
This is a supportive community for all transfeminine or questioning people. Anyone is welcome to participate in this community but disrupting the safety of this space for trans feminine people is unacceptable and will result in moderator action.
Debate surrounding transgender rights or acceptance will result in an immediate ban.
- Please follow the rules of the lemmy.blahaj.zone instance.
- Bigotry of any kind will not be tolerated.
- Gatekeeping will not be tolerated.
- Please be kind and respectful to all.
- Please tag NSFW topics.
- No NSFW image posts.
- Please provide content warnings where appropriate.
- Please do not repost bigoted content here.
This community is supportive of DIY HRT. Unsolicited medical advice or caution being given to people on DIY will result in moderator action.
Posters may express that they are looking for responses and support from groups with certain experiences (eg. trans people, trans people with supportive parents, trans parents.). Please respect those requests and be mindful that your experience may differ from others here.
Some helpful links:
- The Gender Dysphoria Bible // In depth explanation of the different types of gender dysphoria.
- Trans Voice Help // A community here on blahaj.zone for voice training.
- LGBTQ+ Healthcare Directory // A directory of LGBTQ+ accepting Healthcare providers.
- Trans Resistance Network // A US-based mutual aid organization to help trans people facing state violence and legal discrimination.
- TLDEF's Trans Health Project // Advice about insurance claims for gender affirming healthcare and procedures.
- TransLifeLine's ID change Library // A comprehensive guide to changing your name on any US legal document.
Support Hotlines:
- The Trevor Project // Web chat, phone call, and text message LGBTQ+ support hotline.
- TransLifeLine // A US/Canada LGBTQ+ phone support hotline service. The US line has Spanish support.
- LGBT Youthline.ca // A Canadian LGBT hotline support service with phone call and web chat support. (4pm - 9:30pm EST)
- 988lifeline // A US only Crisis hotline with phone call, text and web chat support. Dedicated staff for LGBTQIA+ youth 24/7 on phone service, 3pm to 2am EST for text and web chat.
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✅ I had a similar experience, but it was from a physical labor job. At one point my shoulders had become so filled out and broad, and I couldn't fit some of the women's clothes I liked to wear. I hated the way I looked and felt, and like you I had no idea why.
✅ Same, I loved doing nails, I was always curious about makeup (but hated it because it made me very aware of how masculine I was, and it never looked good - seeing a man or boy wearing make up in the mirror made me want to cry, so I assumed I just didn't like makeup). But I also sought any other feminine-coded activity, I happily learned to bake, cook, clean, sew, iron, etc. growing up. Those were activities I took a great interest in despite them being domestic labor that most people didn't value.
✅ I did avoid being nude a lot, but not as extremely as you. I hated my body, and I always wanted to cover it up by wearing long sleeves and pants, even in hot weather. I didn't wear shorts until I was in my 20s (despite growing up in the South). Like you, I thought I just hated that I was chubby, but when I transitioned I realized that being fat and chubby in a feminine pattern doesn't bother me the way fat distributed in a male pattern does ...
✅ It's not a coincidence I only dated bisexual women ... and I certainly felt a comfort and certain amount of affirmation in dating women who were interested in me because I was feminine.
✅ I didn't learn about HRT, but I did enjoy ContraPoints in ways that probably had to do with the trans content she created.
✅ Yes, I sometimes felt like I was a lesbian on the inside, this was the closest I came to some amount of awareness about being a woman.
🚫 I didn't really look at transition timelines before I transitioned, and if I did I think I would (wrong-headedly) feel confused about why trans men would want to become men, and probably feel strangely critical of trans women for not being feminine enough. Probably all related to my own dysphoria and discomfort with how masculine my body is.
✅ I didn't want to be trans, but this is close to how I felt - I "knew" I wasn't trans, but there was a sense that being trans would make sense of a lot 😆
🚫 It worked the other way around for me. While I wanted to start HRT to test and know for sure whether I was trans, I was so afraid I would go back to denial before I had access to HRT that I forced myself to socially transition first so that I had a sense of public accountability and wouldn't fail to socially transition later.
🚫 I never had a bra or panties, only skirts and dresses - but those were very much mine, and even became "male coded" in my associations, so I just coped and rationalized in a slightly different way.
✅ Yes, I usually preferred to play a female character if I could get away with it (i.e. if I wasn't going to be bullied or teased for it). Sometimes I thought this was for sexual reasons, but it didn't make sense because it rarely fulfilled sexual desire for me - it really was more about identity. For example, my Stardew Valley character was a woman ...
✅ Didn't feel this way about dating in particular, but I was a very vocal feminist and had very negative opinions of men and the way they treat women.
✅ Yes, I was never masculine and never liked masculine things. Never wanted to be a father, never wanted to be a man or boy, tbh. It always felt wrong on a "cosmic" level - it felt like the universe made some mistake.
I liked all kinds of porn, including trans porn - looking back the porn was related to gender issues, but I am not sure how I would have figured that out at the time based on how broadly I consumed everything on the internet.
What I will say, though, is that my earliest sexual experiences were not from visual depictions of sex, but rather about romantic and sexual stories - I remember reading a Cosmos magazine when I was 8 that had stories about women who had sex with their boyfriends and husbands, and one story about a couple getting caught in the rain and then partially stripping and having sex while still wet was the earliest example of media that served a prurient interest for me. It was actually years before I took any interest in porn, and it was always side-by-side with erotica, though eventually porn became economical and more frequent, erotica was always more fulfilling and "better" in a sense. I don't remember this being true for any other guy I knew, and now I think it makes a bit more sense.
✅ See above about being a staunch feminist.
✅ Yes, a good way of putting it - with guys I was always on-guard. Guys were typically violent, and I always had to be vigilant around them. They were also inconsiderate - if I had guy friends over for a sleepover they would trash my room and place and leave the next day without helping clean up. Women were always more considerate and never would do that. Guys were generally more selfish and prioritized their needs and desires. Other boys stole from me, bullied me, physically and verbally abused me, etc. Meanwhile I rarely was mistreated by women, and I always felt women were more mature, more considerate, and certainly safer (girls and women were never physically violent with me).
✅ I generally had straight-As in school, but I always made a C in gym class because I refused to strip and change clothes in the boys' locker room. It never felt right, and I couldn't explain why - I rationalized that it was just body dysmorphia, that I was too fat, etc. But other fat kids changed who were ashamed of their bodies, I was the only one so frozen by it. Likewise, I never liked taking my shirt off when swimming, being topless always felt wrong. I always wondered why I felt this way, I wondered if maybe there was sexual abuse I just didn't remember or something. It didn't make sense.
🚫 Never dated a trans woman, no. I was strangely curious about and attracted to trans women, though.
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I even identified as nonbinary IRL, but in general I opted for an agendered identity as much as I could.
I avoided haircare and skin products in general, I neglected my body completely.
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🚫 I didn't experience this, nor did I ever particularly desire a vagina. After 3 - 6 months of estrogen, I realized I really felt a need for bottom surgery to help my integration as a woman both personally and socially - I wanted to have the "right" body. But even then it was hard for me to feel the kind of direct desire for bottom surgery you have expressed.
✅ Strangely I had a similar experience - when I was around 16 - 17 years old I learned about eunuchs in the context of The Gate to Women's Country and actively wished I could be a eunuch so I could be accepted among women as a man.