this post was submitted on 01 May 2025
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disabled
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idk if this counts but I just ruined my sleep schedule, pulling an all nighter only to crash in the late afternoon on Saturday to design a fucking Minecraft redstone farm. I knew what I was doing but eventually the hours just started sloughing away and I realized I was going a bit delirious and the mental static was surreal. There were like 2 songs playing in my head simultaneously, and if I really let the thoughts "decohere", I could get it up to 3-4 overlaying each other in a sort of weird mashup. I could also mentally pull up the second monitor content I'd been listening to over the past 12 hours, haphazardly bouncing around. A cacophony of unprocessed thoughts and earworms laying in bed staying awake for another hour and trying to wind down.
Went to bed hungry, been on my phone for hours after waking up and I need to get up but there are roadbumps keeping me from doing that. My stomach has that dull ache, the kind that arises after one's body has just kind of resigned to deal with the signals that indicate hunger. Unfortunately, I need to do my morning routine first which I don't have my clothes picked out for so it's just a straight mess right now. Not much was planned so it's not the biggest deal, but I do feel like I wasted the better part of a weekend in one of those extended hyperfocus hazes and resulting fallout. Airing my thoughts out here feels like a bad idea but it's helping me process what the hell I just put myself through.
At least the redstone farm is done and works pretty well, considering I made it from scratch to conform with very specific constraints
Every. Single. BIT! of this was so very relatable to me. It helps me feel less alone and helps me maybe be more understanding and kind to myself about it. I can be ridiculously hard on myself, even with things due to neurodivergencies and disabilities and stuff I can't help. It helps me when I see/hear someone experience/do something similar and I catch myself feeling understanding towards them like they deserve when I don't do it for me in the same situation, and it helps me realize I'm being way too hard on myself and need to ease up. Thank you.
I hope you're trying to be kind and understanding to yourself about it! You deserve it. I know I have lots of trouble with that when it happens to me.
I'm sorry it came with so many negatives, but I'm glad you got your redstone farm done! I hope you've been able to recover and bounce back and things are going well for you!
Hopefully this wasn't too rambly, hard to understand, annoying/obnoxious/unwanted/etc. ๐ My genuine apologies if it is. I really struggle to communicate more than I used to because of worsening health issues/disabilities/AuDHD burnout/etc. and I'm sorry! ๐